


I Know I'm Not Your Only

by BoobearStyles



Category: Harry Styles - Fandom, Louis Tomlinson - Fandom, One Direction, liam payne - Fandom, niall horan - Fandom, zayn malik - Fandom
Genre: Cheating, Eventual Smut, Implied Attempted Suicide, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Infidelity, M/M, Self-Harm, larry stylinson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:13:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28729440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoobearStyles/pseuds/BoobearStyles
Summary: Louis knows that Harry cheated, but how will he respond? Will he leave? Will he take him back?I suck at summaries but what else is new?*this is a work of fiction and is not meant to harm or offend anyone in any way.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Kudos: 14





	1. The PR Stunt

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for sad girl hours and have specific songs that i listened to for each chapter.
> 
> Songs for this chapter:  
> Beyonce - Jealous  
> Beyonce's rendition of 'All I Could Do Was Cry' from the "Cadillac Records" soundtrack  
> Summer Walker - I'll Kill You

“I want you seen with Eleanor; you know how this goes by now.”

“What for?” Louis’s head was pounding; a fierce piercing right at the front of his skull.

“You know damn well what for.” Simon spat, looking bored with the conversation. “The fans put it together that you and Harry were in Italy at the same time; you need to be seen with Eleanor to make it seem like a coincidence.”

“This is so tiring, don’t you think? The fans support us; why can’t—”

“Must we have this conversation every time?” Simon sighs, rolling his eyes.

“Yes, until you give in and let us come out.” Louis spits, rolling his own eyes, while pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I don’t want to hear it, Louis. The contract ends in 2021, until then, I don’t want to hear about it.” Simon dismisses him with a wave of his hand. “Tonight, you are to be seen with her. Take her clubbing, take her to dinner or for a bloody walk for all I care; just make sure that you are seen with her.”

Louis hates all of this; he is exhausted and bored with it all. He gets nothing out of this relationship, despite all of the bullshit that Simon feeds him about how it’s the best thing for his career; that it’s the best thing for Harry’s career. He knows that it’s all horse shit, but his hands are tied, since he signed that contract all those years ago. His headache has yet to cease its abuse, even on his drive to the home that he shares with Harry.

“Harry, darling?” Louis calls, making his way to the kitchen to get a glass of water to take some pain pills.

“Hey, love. Oh no, what’s that face for?” Harry asks, looking at the annoyance in Louis’s eyes. “Stunt?”

“Isn’t always?” Louis mutters, gulping down his pain killers, sitting on the edge of their bed with his head hung low. “Tonight.” Louis sighs, the sudden urge to cry overwhelming him.

“But why?”

“Because the FBI agents that are our fans seem to have pieced it together that I was with you for the Gucci event in Italy.” Louis sets his glass on this nightstand before falling back against the bed, covering his eyes with his arms. “I hate this so fucking much, Haz.”

“I know, Lou. So do I.” Harry agrees, lying beside him, pressing soft kisses to Louis’s shoulder. “Where do you have to take her?”

“He said he didn’t care what we did, so long as we were seen together.” Louis reveals, groaning. “I don’t want to leave you; we already get very little time together.” Louis whines. Harry sighs as he continues pressing kisses into Louis’s shoulder.

“I know, my darling.” Harry presses his forehead to Louis’s chest, holding his body close. “So close, though, baby. So fucking close and we’ll be free.” Louis sits up, leaning his elbows against his knees.

“Let’s hope that it’s all worth it.” Louis mumbles before standing up to shower. “Shower with me?” Louis requests, feeling like he would simply explode if he didn’t take this little bit of time with Harry.

The dreaded time comes and Louis knows that he’s dragging his feet, but he couldn’t care less. He’s standing in the doorway, forehead resting against Harry’s firm chest with his arms wrapped around his middle and releasing a long, drawn-out groan.

“I don’t want to go.” Louis groans.

“I know, darling, but the sooner you go and get this over with, the sooner you can be home with me.” Harry reasons, pressing his lips to the top of Louis’s head while his hands run up and down his back. “So, hurry back to me, darling.”

“Fine. I love you; no matter what you see.”

“You don’t have to say that every time, Lou. I know that you don’t want this.” Harry smiles, sweetly.

“I just—if she ends up kissing me, I don’t want you to—”

“Love, I know. You tell me every time. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Louis sighs, peeling himself out of Harry’s embrace, reluctance pouring out of him like hot water out of a tea kettle.

The drive to Eleanor’s yacht—pretentious—is short and spent in pensive silence. He sees her walking about in her bikini with a knitted cover up on top, a baseball cap—Louis’s—and sunglasses on her nose. He bangs his head against the steering wheel before climbing out to meet her on the dock.

“Lou!” She shouts, excitedly and over-exaggeratedly before throwing her arms around him. “Act a little bit better; I know you’re capable.” She whispers into his ear. He places his hands on her lower back, limply.

“I’ve had this nagging headache all day, sorry if my acting skills are not up to par.” Louis quips, taking her hand in his and following her onto the glorified boat. He lies back on the cushions, wishing more than anything that Harry was with him, instead. She plops down beside him, pressing her lips to his as she hands him a beer. “So, what’ve you planned?”

“Just lounge on the yacht; drink. That’s about it.” She shrugs, leaning against him.

“Could be worse.” He concedes, relaxing just a tiny bit. He didn’t know then that those words would come back to bite him in the ass; that he would come to regret ever letting his guard down a little bit around her. Guess that’s what it means to learn from your mistakes.

The sun is streaming through the cream-colored drapes, blinding Louis as he turns over. This bed is too stiff, the blankets aren’t silk and he can’t smell Harry’s body wash or shampoo. He groans as he turns to search the bed for Harry, only to find a body that is much too petite, and much too naked and too female.

“El?” He rasps, eyes widening in realization. She hums with a sleepy smile on her lips as she rests a hand on his chest.

“Mm, morning, Lou.” She sighs. Louis looks under the blankets to confirm what he already had an inkling of—they’re both naked.

“Oh, god. No, please no. Please, tell me that we didn’t.” He begs, sitting up and seeing the evidence all over the room. Her clothes in a heap at the foot of the bed, his own in a similar pile on the floor and a poorly discarded condom on the floor. “Fuck!” He shouts, leaping up to get dressed. “No! This wasn’t supposed to happen!” He is panicking now as he pulls his shorts up. “What the fuck happened?” He demands.

“You don’t remember? Lou, you were an absolute _animal_.” She groans, squeezing her legs at the memory and it makes Louis’s stomach churn. He runs out of the hotel room—hotel room? He leaps into his Range Rover, checking his phone to find it absolutely flooded with notifications from Harry. He speeds home, knowing that he’s being reckless, but he needs to see him. The moment he stepped into the house, he felt the shift.

“Haz—” Louis starts, rushing over to him and kneeling before him.

“Fun night?” Harry rasps, eyes blood shot and puffy. Louis shakes his head, frantic. “It’s all over the fucking internet, Louis. ‘Louis Tomlinson and Girlfriend Eleanor Calder Share a Hot Night in Hotel’. What the fuck?” Harry’s brows are drawn down in anger, his tears making his eyes glassy.

“Harry, I swear—”

“Lying will get you nowhere, especially since the evidence is on your neck.” Harry spits, digging his finger in what must be a hickey.

“I don’t remember—”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“No! I’m trying to tell you that I don’t remember _anything_!” Louis is panicking, his head swimming as his lungs try to remember how to work. “All I can remember is her handing me a beer the moment I got on that fucking yacht. That’s it!”

“So, you’re telling me that you don’t remember _this_?” Harry bites, turning his phone to face him, showing him a photo of Eleanor pressing Louis against the bricks of the hotel they were in. “Or what about this one?” another photo, this time with Eleanor’s hand down his pants. “You don’t remember this?” a video of them stumbling into the elevator, Eleanor’s hands in his hair and her mouth working against his own.

“I _don’t_! I don’t even like _women_ , H! You _know_ that; and I wouldn’t do anything to risk losing you, _ever_!” Harry looks into Louis’s eyes for the first time since Louis got home, confusion making its way onto his face.

“You really don’t remember anything.” It’s a statement. Louis is shaking, tears leaking from his eyes. “She took advantage of you.” Another statement.

“Please, you have to believe me.” Louis pleads, his heart beating out of his chest. Harry nods his head, clenching his jaw as he stares at the dark bruise on Louis’s neck.

“I do.” Harry whispers; Louis has never felt so relieved.

“Thank god. Harry, I love you so much.” Louis swears, a sob ripping out of his chest. “Kiss me?”

“Not until you wash her off of you.” Harry states, no emotion on his face at all as he walks away from Louis.

It’s been a month and Louis can feel Harry pulling away from him. He hates it more than he hates the contract with Eleanor. He’s afraid of leaving for tour, terrified of what it could mean for his relationship. All of their interactions feel forced and even the lads are picking up on it. Liam asks Louis about it one day, to which Louis replies with a confused smile and shake of his head.

“What are you on about? We’re fine.” He had answered, but his heart had squeezed, uncomfortably. Then that was the end of it. Now, here he is, bags packed and moments away from walking out the door, but Harry is still sitting in the den with a book in his lap.

“Alright, I’m off.” Louis announced, heart breaking as he looks on at the man that he loves with all of his heart, body and soul.

“Oh, already?” Harry asks, standing to walk Louis out to the car. “Have a good tour, darling. Call me when you get there?” Harry asks, mending some of Louis’s fears.

“Of course, baby. I love you, Harry.” Louis swears, needing him to know just how much he means it. Harry offers a small smile.

“I know, darling. I love you.” He answers, wrapping Louis in a tight embrace before pulling back to cup his scruffy jaw and kissing his lips. “You’re going to be amazing.” Harry whispers.

“Thank you, Haz.” Louis replies, his heart clenching as he peels out of Harry’s embrace to climb into the back of the car, watching Harry walk back into the house. Their goodbye was one of love, so why does Louis feel like something bad is going to happen? Why does he feel like that was a real ‘goodbye’? Harry said that he loved him, so why does Louis feel like his heart is breaking? Harry hugged and kissed him, so why does it feel like the last time? Like Louis has lost the love of his life? Why does Louis want to run back to him just to be sure they’re okay?


	2. The Unexpected Phone Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis hears something that he's not supposed to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song(s) for this chapter:  
> Sam Smith - I'm Not The Only One  
> Ed Sheeran - Give Me Love  
> Jessie Reyez - Figures

Louis sighs as he drops his suitcase in his hotel room, rubbing his hands down his face as he sits on the edge of the bed, wishing Harry were with him. He picks his phone up to call him just as he had promised that he would. No answer. Louis’s heart squeezes, but he tries to brush it off, shaking his head at the anxiety that had started to creep up his spine. _He must be busy_ ; he tried to reason. _I’ll just call him later_ ; he told himself. He decides to climb into the shower, washing off the stench of airport off his skin, his stomach twisting uncomfortably and his heart feeling like it’s slithering up his throat. Again, he shakes it off, becoming annoyed with himself for being anxious. _You’re just tired_ ; he tries to reason again. When he gets out of the shower, he tries to call him again. No answer. The anxiety is taking a firmer hold of Louis’s neck, clawing at his throat and burning his esophagus. _Maybe, he’s writing_ ; he reasons. _I’ll leave him alone for a little while longer, if he’s writing, I don’t want to bother him_. He orders some room service, lays back and watches some documentary that he can’t pay attention to for the life of him. _What if he is—no, Harry wouldn’t_ ; he argues with himself each time his anxiety makes its way to the front of his mind. _He has been acting strange—fuck, Harry isn’t like that_ ; he is becoming breathless now; his anxiety is laughing at him now. Louis feels sick at even the thought, but he knows his Harry; his Harry would never hurt him like that. He tries to call again. No answer. Another call. No answer. One more. No answer. Louis feels his tears burning behind his eye lids, can feel a sob building in his chest, his body is shaking with the fear. _No, he wouldn’t_ ; his attempts are becoming feebler with each unanswered call. “Fuck, I need to get out of here.” He resolves, dialing Stan. Answered on the second ring.

“Louis, mate, what’s up?”

“Up for a pint?” Louis asks, even to himself, he sounds breathless.

“Sure thing, mate. Hotel bar?”

“Sounds good.” Louis answers, slipping his feet into his vans, slipping the hotel key into his jeans and making his way down to the bar, hands shaking, eyes still watering and breaths still coming in little gasps. All of which, Stan takes notice of the moment he sees him.

“Woah, mate, what’s going on?”

“I-I don’t know. I-shit, I’ve got a bad feeling.” Louis confesses, breathing becoming even more difficult. “Need a distraction. I know I’m thinking crazy, so I’m trying to distract myself.” Louis rambles.

“Alright, tell me what you’re thinking.” So he tells him. Eleanor taking advantage of him—possibly drugging him—how Harry has been acting since then, their strange goodbye, and finally with the unanswered calls. “It does sound a bit weird, honestly.” Stan sighs, not soothing Louis at all. “But like you said, mate, Harry wouldn’t do that. He loves you, Louis.” He finally says the words that Louis had been hoping to hear and Louis is able to relax, even if it is just barely. An hour later, he’s on his way back up to his room with a nice buzz in his veins. As soon as he’s alone in his bed, he calls Harry, again. Finally, an answer!

“Haz! I figured that you were busy, must’ve been writing or—” Louis’s blood freezes.

“Mm, stop teasing, _please_.” Harry’s breathy whine comes through the phone.

“Harry?” Louis can’t feel his fingers.

“Fuck, _so_ fucking good! _Shit_ , right there!” Harry praises, his moans sounding so loud in Louis’s ear.

“Haz, please tell me this is a joke.” Louis pleads, his throat swelling shut. More moans.

“ _Fuck_ yes! Your fingers feel _so_ good! Yeah, _just_ like that.” Louis’s mind is spinning and the beer is threatening to make a reappearance. “Oh, holy fuck! Right there—oh, please, harder, harder!” Harry’s moans sound like they’re being punched out of him. Louis’s tears are falling freely and he wishes that he could move, that he could hang up but his body isn’t listening. “Yes, yeah, _right_ there! _Faster_ , oh _fuck_ , I’m close.” Louis is frozen with his heart in his throat. “ _Close_ , oh so, _so_ close! _God_ , your fingers feel perfect on my skin.” Louis is begging the universe to wake him up from this nightmare, but nothing is happening. It feels like a lifetime later when Harry is moaning repeatedly, telling whoever it is that he’s coming, which is when Louis is finally able to move again. He hangs up the phone, throwing it at the wall with a choked sob. He pulls his knees to his chest, holding his head in his hands and wanting nothing more than to bleach his brain to erase the sounds of Harry’s betrayal.

He cries himself into a restless sleep, feeling it the moment his eyes open. Louis hopes that it was all a terrible nightmare, but the sight of his broken phone lying on the floor across from him tells him otherwise. The sight of himself in the mirror makes him groan. _No wonder he cheated_ , he thinks to himself as he looks at the dark circles under his eyes, at the way his cheekbones sink in even more and his untamed scruff. He washes his face, feeling his tears mix with the water as he splashes his skin over and over. He pushes a pair of sunglasses onto his nose, pulling a hoodie over his head and keeping the hood up as he makes his way down to the lobby. Louis wants for the rest of the world to stop spinning so that they could all experience what he’s feeling, but at the same time, he doesn’t think that he would wish this on his worst enemy. All Louis wants is to crawl under the hotel comforter and drink away this pain, perhaps. When he gets to the stadium, his stylist looks at him with wide eyes when she takes his glasses off.

“Oh, Louis—”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He shares, voice raspy. “Can you fix this or not?” She nods her response, gesturing for him to take a seat. As she fusses over him, the sounds he heard last night play on a painful loop, sending a blade straight to his heart. He wipes his hands down his face when he feels his eyes burn with more tears.

“Are you sure that you can go on with the show?” she asks him, worry creasing her perfectly threaded eyebrows.

“I can.” Is all he says, taking a deep breath to steel himself for the job at hand.

He completes the first show of tour and it felt good; he was able to forget everything if only for a little while. He was able to be present with his fans and remember what he was doing this for, but as soon as the adrenaline wore off, his pain took the wheel. He makes his way to the hotel bar as soon as he sets foot in the hotel, ordering a tequila. He sits with his tequila, tracing his finger around the rim, wondering what he is to do now, when his phone pulls him out of his trance. _Harry_. Louis’s throat feels thick, but he wants to know if he’ll tell him the truth, so he answers.

“Hello?” he answers, taking a sip of his tequila to swallow past the lump in his throat.

“Lou! How was it, darling?” Harry asks, voice chipper and nothing like he just ripped Louis’s heart out. “Darling?”

“Yeah, it was good.” Louis chokes out, wiping his tears away as he forces himself to sound normal.

“That’s all I get? Give me details.” Harry chuckles, the sound is as beautiful to Louis as it is painful.

“What is there to tell? The fans were great as they always are.” Louis forces out, sniffling, cursing himself for it because Harry hears.

“Lou, what’s wrong?” he asks, shoving his fist right into Louis’s chest. “Baby, you sound sad.” He observes. _You should know_ ; Louis thinks bitterly.

“Just thinking about mum.” Louis lies, heart hurting even more because now he is thinking of her and wishing she were around to hold him. “Look, I think I’m going to go.” Louis forces out, finishing what is left in his glass in one gulp, welcoming the burn.

“I miss you, Lou.” Harry whispers, choking Louis.

“Talk later.” Louis whimpers, ending the call before Harry could hear him break down. He rushes his way back up to his room, his hand pressed to his chest as if it would help hold him together.

**Harry** : did I do something?

_You did_.

**Louis** : I tried to call you.

**Harry** : I know. I’m sorry for not answering, darling.

_Are you, though_?

**Louis** : why didn’t you answer?

**Harry** : I was writing. You know how I can get.

_He isn’t going to tell me the truth_.

**Louis** : right.

**Harry** : I love you.

_No, you don’t_. 

Louis falls asleep again to the sounds of his own sobs and the feeling of his tears soaking through his pillow. He goes about his entire tour like this; performing, living only for his fans; drinking himself blind at the end of it, only to then fall asleep into a sopping wet pillow. His conversations with Harry are rather one-sided; Louis can’t stomach the way Harry sounds so _normal_ ; sounds as though he didn’t tear Louis’s heart to shreds. The day he is to return home, his heart hurts more that he won’t get to continue tour and that he will have to go back home to someone that doesn’t love him anymore. He loathes the idea of being around Harry, knowing that he is only going to lie to him and pretend that he never broke his vows. It happens the moment he steps into the house.

“Louis!” Harry sighs, wrapping his arms around Louis and pressing his face into his neck, peppering kisses to the skin there. “I missed you so much.” More lies.

“Can I put my stuff away?” Louis asks, voice void of emotion. Harry pulls away, brows furrowing as he looks at Louis in confusion. Louis doesn’t wait for a response, simply walks past him to put his suitcase away, his mind assaulting him with images of Harry in their bed with someone that isn’t him. _Was it only once; did he bring him here; did he sleep over_? Like a scratched CD, the sounds Harry made play in Louis’s mind as he makes his way to the home bar, pouring himself a straight tequila.

“Are you okay, darling?” Harry asks, eyeing the drink as Louis drains it only to fill the glass once more. 

“Never better.” Louis lies, keeping his back to Harry as he drains his second glass. Harry rests his hand over the top of the glass, preventing Louis from refilling it. _I know I’m not your only_. “I’m going for a shower.”

“Maybe, I could come with you?” Harry requests. Louis wants to want to say ‘no’; wants to deny Harry because he knows that someone else was inside him, but he’s weak. _Did he let him inside bare_? “I’ve really missed you.” Harry whispers, fingers tracing Louis’s jaw.

“I’m tired, Harry.” Louis chokes. _I’m tired of the stunts; I’m tired of never seeing you; I’m tired of you lying to me; I’m tired of hurting_.

“Then, I’ll do all of the work, darling.” Harry coos, cupping Louis’s jaw to place kisses beneath it. Louis lets him, because as previously mentioned, he’s weak where Harry is concerned. He painted the inside of Harry’s mouth with regret flooding his own. _Why won’t you just tell me the truth_ ; he falls asleep thinking, hoping that Harry would somehow hear his thoughts, but of course he doesn’t. Instead, Louis is forced to stay in his cheating husband’s arms, wondering if he would even have the strength to leave him. Could he survive without his Harry? Is _this_ even his Harry?


	3. The Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis can't take the lies, anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song(s) for this chapter:
> 
> Jessie Reyez - Do You Love Her  
> Jessie Reyez - Coffin  
> Beyonce - I Care  
> Ashanti - The Way That I Love You

A couple of days after Louis returns home, Niall, Liam and Zayn come over for a lads’ day. Louis feels detached from himself, or he wishes he could feel that way. Louis is sitting with his head in his hands at the breakfast bar, accompanied by the lads. They’re all chatting and having a laugh while all Louis can think about are Harry’s moans and how he was begging whoever it was to go faster, to fuck him harder. Louis feels his vodka spiked tea threatening to come back up. His brain is fuzzy but not nearly fuzzy enough for him to get it out of his head.

“Lou, you haven’t eaten; is something wrong?” Harry asks, as if nothing happened. He rests his hand on Louis’s back, which Louis pushes off. _And here is the final straw_ ; Louis’s anxiety hums. 

“ _Don’t_ fucking touch me.” Louis states, standing from his seat and glaring at Harry, trying to blink back his tears. Harry has the audacity to look affronted.

“Lou, what—”

“Don’t call me that!” Louis shouts, breathing heavily with his hands fisted at his sides.

“Louis, what’s going on?” Niall ponders, looking between the two of them.

“Yeah, what is going on, Harry?” Louis queries, voice edging on hysteria. “Still going to play _pretend_ , Harry?” Louis huffs.

“Lou, I don’t—”

“Stop fucking lying! You know, I know that I fucked up with El, but she took advantage of me; that’s where our situations are different. What’s _your_ excuse?” Louis spits, waiting for the realization to make its way across Harry’s beautiful face.

“Harry, you didn’t.” Liam breathes, disappointment bleeding out of his mouth. Yet, Harry still stands there, silent.

“You don’t have the balls to tell me the truth, but you sure had them when you were begging whoever it was to fuck you harder. Where’s your voice now, Harry?” Louis spits, taking a step towards Harry.

“Louis—”

“No, _fuck_ _you_! Don’t try to bullshit me and make it sound like I’m crazy! I fucking _heard_ you, Harry.” Louis growls as he steps even closer; finally, there’s the realization. “Yeah, you answered my call, accidentally. I. Heard. _Everything_.” Louis’s tears have fallen by now, but he refuses to back down. “At least, I had to decency to not bring her _here_ to our home. Can you say the same?” Louis hates that his voice cracks.

“Louis, I’m—”

“Don’t you dare fucking say you’re sorry. Tell me the truth.” Louis demands, standing up straight as he walks towards their home bar to retrieve the bottle he had been gulping down like water. “Go on, give me your reason!” Louis shouts, dropping the cap onto the floor before taking a healthy gulp from the bottle.

“Can we do this when the lads—”

“No, I want my answers _now_.” Louis orders, sniffling before taking another gulp of the fire water.

“ _Oh, harder—fuck yes, right there! Harder, oh fuck!_ ”

Louis squeezes his eyes shut against the memory of the words he heard through his phone. He feels his tears falling in rivers now, but he can’t be bothered.

“Louis—”

“Tell me. _Now_. Why? Is it to get back at me? Is that why?” Louis is aware that he’s pleading now, but his heart is currently being pureed beneath the taller man’s foot, so Louis can’t find it in himself to care. “ _Why_ , Harry?” Louis’s voice cracks, again.

“Darling—” Harry starts, sending yet another spear into Louis’s heart. Louis tosses the bottle, making everyone jump.

“Stop! Just _stop_! Tell me the fucking truth, Harry!” Louis shouts, leaning against the bar with his head in his hands, tugging at his hair.

“It was because of Eleanor.” Harry admits. “Louis, I am so—”

“Did you bring him here?” Louis asks, his voice thick with emotion and raw with tears.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry, Lou. I’m—”

“Did you?”

“Yes.”

“You let him fuck you in our bed?” Louis thinks that he must be some sort of masochist.

“Lou—”

“Answer the fucking question.”

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” Harry whispers, daring to step beside Louis. Louis backs away from him, shaking his head as more tears are shed.

“That means ‘yes’” Louis whispers, body aching. “I can’t—I need—I don’t even want to look at you. I need to go.” Louis chokes out, walking back to their room to fill his suitcase with as much as he can, sobs ripping out of his chest as he is bombarded with the memories of that phone call, with images of Harry cheating on him in their shared bed.

“Louis, no, _please_ , no, what are you doing?” Harry asks, voice panicky.

“I can’t do this. I need to go.” Louis chokes on his sobs, not even bothering to fold his clothes. “I can’t look at you or even _hear_ you.” Louis explains, sobbing as he zips his suitcase with shaking fingers.

“Louis— _fuck_ , please just _stay_. We can work this out, love.”

“Let me go.” Louis orders as Harry wraps his arms around Louis, his tears soaking through Louis’s t shirt.

“No. We can work through this, baby—”

“Let me fucking go, Harry.” Louis demands again, a sob threatening to rip his chest open.

“I know I messed up, baby, but _please_ —” Harry is sobbing now, and it breaks Louis’s heart but not more than the terrible audio that is stuck in Louis’s head, playing like a broken record.

“Liam!” Louis calls out, needing help with his escape. He struggles in Harry’s hold, managing to free himself, only to have Harry pull him back to press his lips against Louis’s. Louis whimpers, the thought that Harry had been kissing someone else right at the forefront of his mind. He presses his hands to Harry’s chest and pushes him away, wiping his hand across his mouth as he lifts his suitcase.

“Louis, _please_.” Harry pleads some more, stepping in front of Louis to block him from leaving.

“Please, let me go. I can’t do this.” Louis begs, avoiding looking at Harry.

“Baby, please look at me. Baby—”

“Harry, can’t you see that you’ve hurt him enough?” Liam asks, taking his suitcase from him. “I’ll take this down to my car.” Louis just nods his head, trying to get past Harry again only to have his arms wrap around him.

“Harry.” Niall coaxes, Zayn assisting in pulling Harry away from Louis, both of them offering sympathetic looks as they hold Harry long enough for Louis to run down the stairs. He throws himself into the passenger seat of Liam’s car, holding himself as he allows the sobs to wrack his entire being.

“Where to?”

“A hotel; fucking Mars; just away from _here_.” Louis chokes, staring at the world as it passes him by.


	4. Alone In A Hotel Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis just wants it all to stop.  
> TRIGGER WARNING!  
> Mentions of self-harm in this chapter/ attempted suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song(s) for the chapter
> 
> Jessie Reyez - Coffin  
> Billie Eilish - idontwannabeyouanymore  
> Billie Eilish - when the party is over  
> XXXTENTACION - Jocelyn Flores
> 
> (some songs will be used for more than one chapter)

Louis can’t tell time, hell, he can’t even sit up, but it’s not enough. No matter how many bottles he drowns himself in, he can still hear it.

“ _Fuck, you feel so good. Hold me tighter, yeah, just like that._ ”

Which brings him here, to the bathtub, with a hunting knife held to his wrist.

“ _So big, feel so good inside me. Faster, please, I’m so close._ ”

Tears spill, never ending, as he presses the blade against his skin.

“ _Oh, don’t stop, don’t stop, please, please, please! I’m so close_.”

Dragging the blade upwards and watching the crimson leak from the wound, but feeling nothing other than the pain lancing through his heart.

“ _Yeah, yeah, oh fuck! I’m-I’m coming_!”

Another slice, just for good measure. He cries, silently, as he watches his blood leave his body, leaving him feeling emptier.

“Louis, I brought you some food! Louis? Oh my God, Louis?!” He hears Niall shouting, faintly. “Louis, wake up. Fuck, Liam, he’s lost a lot of blood.” Niall sounds frantic, but Louis feels wonderful. It’s finally stopped. “Louis, please, wake up. Fuck.” Niall is begging, weeping, but Louis has never felt better. He opens his eyes but he’s not in the hotel bathroom, anymore; his mum is here.

“Boo, what have you done?” she asks, fear in her eyes. Louis can’t hold in his pain when his mother is standing before him and looking so sad. “What happened, boo bear?” she asks, wrapping her arms around him and stroking his back.

“Harry—he—oh god, why won’t it stop?” Louis splutters, sobbing into his mother’s chest.

“Calm down for me, my boy. Tell me what’s going on.” She coaxes, continuing her ministrations.

“He cheated on me, mum.” He whimpers, clinging to her as if his life depends on it. “I loved him with everything I had, but I guess I just wasn’t enough.” Louis squeezes his eyes shut, pain slicing through his entire being.

“Oh, Louis, love. I’m so sorry, boo, but you _can’t_ be here.” She whispers, combing her fingers in Louis’s hair. “As much as I miss you, I don’t want you here, yet.” She explains.

“Why? I don’t want to go back.” He feels the panic gripping his throat.

“It’s not time, darling. The kids need you.” She states, shaking her head. “They do. I love you, Louis. You’ll get through this; you’re my strong boy.” She is telling him, but her voice is becoming echo-y, she’s sounding further away. Louis can feel his eyes flutter open to find Niall sobbing above him.

“Oh, thank fuck! Li, he’s opening his eyes!”

“ _More, more! Fuck, you’re so good_!” Louis whimpers, his tears leaking again.

“Are you in pain, Louis?” Niall asks, bandaging his wrists.

“Only on the inside.” Louis mutters. “It was so nice, Ni. Mum was there; why did you have to wake me up?” Louis pleads.

“Louis, you almost died—”

“You should’ve let me.” Niall grips Louis shoulders and brings him into a bone crushing hug.

“Don’t ever say that.” Niall is weeping into Louis’s shoulder, but he feels nothing. After Niall bandaged Louis’s wrists, he insisted taking Louis to the hospital to get a blood transfusion. Louis would’ve fought harder, but he didn’t have the energy, so he allowed Niall to carry him to his car and drive him to the nearest hospital to be supervised. Having seen his self-inflicted injuries, the hospital ordered him to be held for 72 hours. Again, he knew that under normal circumstances, he would’ve argued and got out, but he conceded. He barely had energy to keep his eyes open, and before he knows it, the 72 hours are up and he is being escorted out of the hospital by Zayn and Niall.

“I need to go back and get the rest of my shit.”

“Alright. He’s not supposed to be home right now; off to film some video or something. Do you wanna go now?” Niall asks, studying Louis’s gaunt face as he nods his head. Louis rests his head against the cold window; he is completely aware of their glances and of their hushed conversations, but he can’t be arsed with them. He pushes his sunglasses further up the bridge of his nose to hide his puffy eyes as he steps out of the car. Louis’s heart is threatening to choke him as his knees threaten to buckle.

“Are you—” Zayn starts.

“Okay? Not even a little bit.” Louis answers as he makes his way to the door.

“Louis?” Harry gasps, eyes looking as puffy as his own. Louis swallows past his heart that is sat in his throat.

“I just came for the rest of my things.” Louis says, tears shedding as he walks past Harry.

“What happened?” Harry asks, looking at Louis’s bandaged wrists, wearing a horror-stricken expression.

“None of your concern.” Louis spits, grabbing his duffel bag and throwing everything in his nightstand into it. He makes his way back down the stars and goes to the home bar, putting more bottles of liquid fire into his duffel.

“You tried to kill yourself?” Harry gasps, Niall and Zayn now standing behind him with a guilty look on their faces.

“Bad luck; didn’t take.” Louis answers, coldly. He pulls one of the bottles out and drinks it like water. “I just want to forget.” Louis whispers. Harry rushes to him, hope glittering in his eyes.

“So, do I, baby. God, I miss you—”

“No. I want to forget _you_.” Louis corrects, bringing the bottle to his lips once more.

“You don’t mean that; you love me.” Harry whispers, tears falling.

“That’s the fucking problem, isn’t it?! I love you and you fucking ripped my heart out! I wish I could forget what loving you felt like, but I can’t.” Louis whines, guzzling more courage.

“Then, _don’t_. Come home; we can work through this.”

“You cheated on me, Harry. What can we fix? Can you fix the broken record that keeps playing in my head?! The sounds of you fucking me over in our own bed?! Can you fucking fix that?!” Louis shouts, tears falling.

“Louis, I am so sorry, but you forget that you cheated, too.” Harry whispers, his own tears spilling down his cheeks.

“Difference being that I couldn’t fucking do anything. I was so pissed that I wouldn’t have known anything happened if I didn’t wake up with her in the bed.” Louis spits. “You, willingly, brought another man to _our_ home and let him take you to _our_ bed.” Louis drinks some more courage, loving the buzz he feels in his veins.

What do I need to do?” Harry pleads.

“You need to leave me the fuck alone. Stay out of my life. If it has nothing to do with business, then fuck off.” Louis states, face straight even while his tears spill. “Fuck, you weren’t even supposed to be here.” Louis whimpers, pressing into his bandaged wrists, hissing at the pain there.

“Louis, stop it.” Harry begs, reaching for Louis’s hands. “Please, stop hurting yourself.”

“Why? Only you can do that?” Louis spews, slamming the half empty bottle on the bar, storming past Harry to Niall’s car, silently thanking the Irish lad for leaving the keys in the ignition.

“Louis, don’t do this! You’re smarter than this! Don’t drive drunk!” Harry shouts, but it’s too late; Louis stomps on the gas and speeds away. _I just need to forget; I want it to stop_.


	5. Don't Let It Kill You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, all it takes is a stranger to talk you off the ledge.   
> TRIGGER WARNING  
> mentions of attempted suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song(s) for the chapter
> 
> Billie Eilish - listen before i go  
> Billie Eilish - i love you  
> The Weeknd - Call Out My Name

Louis skids to a stop, barely missing crashing into the cement edge of the highway. He’s sobbing so fiercely that he worries he’ll never be able to breathe properly, again. He can’t see clearly anymore; can’t even hear past his rapidly beating heart and the track of Harry tearing his heart to pieces.

“I’m so sorry, mum; I can’t do it.” Louis whimpers as he makes his way out of the car, leaving the car door open as he steps up to the barrier. He climbs to sit on the edge, looking at the ground below him; watching all of the cars driving without a care in the world while his world has come to crash down upon his head. “I wish I was as strong as you think I am, but I can’t do this. Harry makes me weak.” He whines, holding his head in his hands as he gets lost in his sobs.

“Hey there, man. What’s going on here?” A man with dark brown, shaggy hair asks, stepping beside the edge where Louis is sitting.

“I just—fuck, I can’t do this. I need to forget.” Louis whines, holding his head in his hands.

“Alright, mate. What do you need to forget?” The man asks, voice kind and expression worried.

“Why—fucking _fuck_ —why did he—I want to forget why he did that to me.” Louis hiccups.

“Who did what?” The stranger ponders, leaning beside Louis.

“My husband. He— _fuck_ —he cheated on me.” Louis holds his head, his tears choking him as he says it out loud, again.

“I’m sorry, mate.”

“Louis! Oh my God, Louis, _please_ —”

“No, no, no, _please_. I need to forget.” Louis whimpers, holding his head and more tears squeezing out of his eyes.

“That the husband?” The stranger’s kind voice asks. Louis can only nod in response.

“Alright, mate. I’m just going to need you to back away from the ledge here, lad; can you do that for me?” The stranger requests, resting a hand behind Louis and one resting next to Louis’s thigh, ready to grab him if he were to try to jump.

“Louis, _please_ come down from there!” Harry pleads, looking between Louis and the stranger.

“ _All_ of the offence, mate, _you’re_ the reason he’s here. It’s best you back up.” The strangers quips.

“That’s _my_ husband.”

“That _you_ cheated on. He’s here because you couldn’t keep your hands to yourself, so kindly fuck off.”

“Don’t talk to him like that.” Louis whispers, head still hung low.

“Oh my fuck, Louis.” Zayn gasps, running up to him to wrap his arms around the smaller man, pulling him off the ledge. “Louis, what were you thinking?” Zayn is breathing heavy.

“I keep hearing him, Z. Every moment of every day; every time I close my eyes. I can’t forget. I just wanna forget. I can’t do this.” Louis is gasping, face buried into Zayn’s chest, refusing to look at Harry. Zayn squeezes Louis tighter to him, breathing heavily. Even without looking, Louis can feel Harry’s presence, can feel his soul calling to Louis’s.

“I’m so sorry about that, Louis, but you have to hold on. For your siblings, think about them.” Zayn reasons, repeating the words that Louis’s mum said.

“Harry, I think it’s best if you go.” Zayn directs to Harry. Louis wants to beg for Harry to stay, to let Harry hold him, but it’s Harry that hurt him. So, Louis is, discreetly, digging his fingers into his bandaged wrists, sighing in relief at the pain that shoots up his arms.

“Louis, I wish we could talk about this.” Harry begs; he’s closer, Louis can feel the heat from his body, can smell his familiar scent and it makes Louis feel more alive than he has in the past few weeks. “I love you so much, Louis. It was a mis—”

“Harry.” Zayn’s voice is stern and threatening. Louis is trembling with the urge to turn and run into Harry’s arms.

“I just want to talk to him.” Harry says, exasperatedly.

“This is the second time that he’s tried to kill himself because of you, Harry. In the span of 3 days.” Zayn’s tone is final; he’s not going to let Harry get his way.

“Lou, darling, please call me when you’re ready to hear me out. I miss you so much.” Harry’s voice cracks before Louis feels Harry’s hands on his hips and his lips pressing to the back of Louis’s head. “I love you.” He whispers, voice wavering before he steps away. Louis breaks down as soon as he hears Harry drive away. Zayn and Niall usher Louis back into the car, Zayn climbing into the back with Louis to wrap him up in his arms, soothing him, but nothing can soothe him.

Niall makes the executive decision to have Louis come stay with him. Louis can’t feel anything other than the pain in his heart and the longing to be in Harry’s arms. He can, vaguely, hear Niall telling him that he’s going to take a shower. He curls up in the bed, blanket drawn up to his shoulders, eyes focusing on the wall as his tears spill. He feels his phone vibrate in his pocket, urging him to take it out. When he does, he wishes that he hadn’t.

**Harry** : I love you, darling.

**Harry** : I miss you so much.

**Harry** : I am so sorry, Lou.

**Harry** : I wish I would take it back.

**Harry** : please talk to me.

**Harry** : come home, please?

Niall finds Louis sobbing so hard that no sound leaves his lips, clutching his phone to his chest as he struggles to not respond to Harry. He climbs into the bed behind Louis, wrapping his arms around Louis’s middle.

“What do you want to do, Louis?” Niall whispers into the dark of the room, holding Louis tightly.

“I don’t know.” Louis whines, clenching the blanket in his hands as he tries to force air into his lungs. “I love him, Niall. So fucking much that it hurts.” Louis is gasping, clutching at his heart.

“I know, Lou.”

“I wish I could stop.”

“Do you mean that?”

“I want to stop hurting, but he’s the only one that can stop it, while being the reason for my pain at the same time.”

“Are you going to talk to him?”

“I think—I’m going home.”

“To Harry?”

“Back to Donny. I need to get away from him for a while.” Louis resolves, hiccupping as he thinks of being away from Harry. “I think I need to talk to him before I leave, though. Before I decide whether or not I’m divorcing him.”

“I think that’s a good idea.” Niall agrees, humming. “Get some rest, Lou.” _What is rest_ ; Louis thinks, bitterly.

Louis takes the next handful of days to gather the courage to confront Harry. He feels his bravery slipping as Niall parks in front of the door; his knee won’t stop bouncing, his hands are trembling and his throat is already closing.

“Just tell me whenever you get uncomfortable, then we’ll go, Lou.” Niall reassures, watching Louis as he prepares to talk to Harry. Louis nods his head, taking a deep breath before stepping out of the car. He rings the doorbell, his breathing starting to come in gasps, again. When Harry answers the door, the wind is knocked right out of Louis. _How is he still so beautiful while looking so exhausted_?

“This will always be your home, Lou. You never have to knock or ring.” Harry says, sniffling. Louis follows him in, taking a seat on the edge of the couch. “Is this where you tell me that you’re divorcing me?” Harry sighs, a pained look in his eyes.

“No.”

“No?” There’s hope in his voice, Louis hates that he’s about to squash it.

“Well, I don’t know. I _am_ leaving, though.” Harry drops to his knees before Louis, taking his hands in his and pressing his head to Louis’s knees.

“Don’t leave me, Louis.” Harry begs, his tears wetting Louis’s jeans.

“I need to get away for a while, Harry. I need to remember why suicide isn’t the way out.” Louis sniffles.

“Not forever?” Harry whispers, resting his chin on Louis’s knees and looking up at him.

“I don’t know, yet.” Louis sighs, chest hurting. “I need to get my head on right.”

“Where are you going?” Harry asks, situating himself between Louis’s legs, wrapping his arms around Louis’s waist.

“Home.” Is all Louis answers, afraid that he’ll let it slip that Harry still feels like his home. He can’t stop himself from putting his arms around Harry’s shoulders, though, and for that, he hates himself. “I need a reminder.”

“You’re still my home, Lou.” Harry whispers, looking into Louis’s eyes as he says it. One of Harry’s hands comes up to cup Louis’s jaw, eyes locked on Louis’s mouth as his tears fall. “You have no idea how much I wish I could take it back.” Harry vows, a grimace on his face as if the idea pains him.

“Then, why didn’t you tell me then? If you feel so bad, then why did you just act like nothing happened?” Louis asks, voice thick with emotion as more tears fall, staring into his favorite set of eyes.

“ _Oh, so close—fuck me, oh—harder_!”

Louis squeezes his eyes shut at the memory and pulls himself out of Harry’s embrace, standing and walking away from him as his hands shake. Harry follows him, taking Louis’s hands in his own and pressing his lips to his knuckles.

“I was so disgusted by myself, Louis. I wanted to forget what I did; hated myself—no, _hate_ myself for what I did to you. Then, seeing it on your face when you told me that you heard, that you knew what I did—Louis, I made myself so sick.” Harry chokes on the sob that is building in his throat, wishing that Louis would look at him. “I’ve never hated myself so much, Louis. Seeing how much I hurt you; knowing that you tried to—fuck, Louis, I wish I could take it all back.” Harry whines, stepping closer to Louis, wrapping his arms around Louis’s neck, if only to smell his signature scent of cigarettes and vanilla.

“I don’t know if I can get over this, Haz. It’s all I can hear. It’s on some fucking loop in my head, and I just don’t know if I can come back to you.” Louis whimpers, succumbing and wrapping his arms around Harry’s waist, pressing his forehead on Harry’s chest.

“I understand, darling, I really do. I just hope that you can forgive me, eventually.” Harry sniffles, taking a chance and pressing his lips to Louis’s neck.

“I get that what I did with El—”

“No, baby, _I’m_ in the wrong here. You don’t remember anything and even in all of the photos, you look out of it. She’s touching you; you’re barely touching her.” Harry shakes his head, disgusted with himself for ruining the best thing in his life. “I let it get in my head. This is all on me and I can only hope that you can find it in yourself to forgive me and give me another chance.” Harry brings his hands up to cup Louis’s jaw, eyes locked on Louis’s mouth. “Can I kiss you? Just one last time?” Harry asks, body flush against Louis’s.

“Harry, I don’t—I can’t—”

“Just once more, then you can go.” Harry pleads. Louis takes a deep breath and nods, because as mentioned before, Harry is Louis’s kryptonite. Harry presses his lips to Louis’s, softly, with a whimper. Louis can’t help himself, kissing Harry still makes his knees weak and his heart slam against his chest. It’s when Louis feels Harry’s tongue trying to gain entrance to his mouth that he is brought back to reality.

“ _Taste so good, mm. Kiss me, please, please_.”

Louis pulls away as if electrocuted, breath coming in gasps, eyes filling with tears. It takes no time at all for his chest to squeeze and his lungs to cease to function. He’s left in a wheezing pile against the wall as Harry tries to get him to focus on his breathing, but all Louis can hear and see is Harry betraying him; over and over in his mind.

“Ni— _Niall_. N-need Ni- _Niall_.” Louis gasps, spluttering, holding his head in his hands as the sounds start up again. “ _Please_ , no, no, no. Stop, _please_ just make it stop.” Louis is begging the universe, digging his thumbs into his healing wrists again.

“Lou, baby, please stop, you’re hurting yourself.” Harry begs, trying to grab Louis’s hands.

“N-Niall! Niall!” Louis calls, pulling his hands out of Harry’s grasp, clutching at his heart as it shatters all over again. A moment later, Niall comes running in, dropping beside Louis as soon as he sees the state he’s in. Louis clutches Niall’s shirt, painful sobs tearing out of his chest as Niall shushes him.

“What happened, Lou?” Niall queries, stroking the back of Louis’s head. Louis shakes his head, tears falling in rivulets, pain lancing through his heart as the sounds keep playing.

“It won’t leave my head; I _keep_ hearing it.” Louis whimpers, shoving his face in Niall’s neck. “I just want it to stop, Ni. I want it to go away. I want to come _home_.” Louis whines.

“Shh, it’s alright, love. It’s okay.” Niall coos, holding Louis, tightly. “What did you do?” Niall directs at Harry.

“I just asked him if I could kiss him.”

“Did he let you?”

“Yes.”

“So, that’s what caused this. Alright, Lou, let’s get you out of here, mate.” Niall coos, helping Louis to stand up. “ _Don’t_ touch him, Harry.” Niall spits when Harry moves forward to hug Louis.

“Lou—”

“Harry, mate, I mean it.” Niall warns, shielding Louis from Harry.

“I love you, Lou.” Harry whispers. Louis peeks up at him, but squeezing his eyes shut as the images blind him. “I hope you come home.” Are Harry’s last words before Niall has Louis in his car, ready to take off.

“I miss him, Ni; and I feel like I’m stupid for it.” Louis sniffles, staring out at the passing scenery.

“It’s understandable. You’ve been with him for years, Lou.” Niall soothes, occasionally looking at Louis out of the corner of his eye. “But you need to heal, and he has to earn your trust back. He fucked up, Louis. He needs to prove that he’s worthy again.” Niall scolds. Louis stays silent for the rest of the drive, falling into a restless sleep half way through the drive.

“Louis? Lou? We’re here.” Niall coaxes, gently nudging him. Louis’s eyes flutter open, landing on his Doncaster home.

“Mm, thanks, Ni.” Louis groans, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “You can stay in the guest room. Drive back home tomorrow or whenever you feel like.” Louis states, opening up the door before walking to the boot of the car to get his suitcase.

They make their way inside, Louis turning on the lights as he goes, pain shooting through his heart at the sight of Harry’s jacket hanging on the coat rack; Harry’s keys in the bowl; Harry’s shoes sitting along the wall with Louis’s. He inhales, deeply, trying to ignore his pain. He walks back to the bedroom, another bedroom that he shared with Harry, and another sharp pain stabs through him. Harry’s nightstand complete with a wooden bowl for his rings, a framed photo of Harry, Anne and Gemma; another framed photo of Harry and Louis. Louis drops his suitcase by the foot of the bed, sitting on the edge of the bed to let the pain take over him.

“Hey, Lou?” Niall breaks him out of his trance, standing in the doorway. “Are you alright?” He queries.

“Uh, no. I’m really not.” Louis confesses, sniffling as he takes in the sight of Harry’s lavender fleece robe and his house slippers that he never wore, but insisted he needed. “He’s everywhere.” Louis whispers.

“That’s why I came to check on you.”

“How am I supposed to heal?”

“I don’t know, mate. It’ll be easier without him around, though.” Niall answers. “Do you want me to stay with you?” Niall ponders. Louis nods his head, wiping his tears with his t shirt.

“I think I’m going to have a shower.” Louis announces, taking a deep breath before standing up to make his way to the en suite. “I’m going to leave the door open, just a bit. He’s going to be everywhere in here.” Louis states, heart already in his throat. Sure enough, the moment he steps into the large en suite—that Harry insisted was of the utmost importance—he is hit with memories of Harry. Watching him brush his teeth, teasing him for the thick green clay mask he slathered onto his skin, showering with him, bubble baths with him, making love to him against the tile of the shower; it all overwhelms him. He finds himself with his hands gripping the edge of the counter, head hung between his shoulders as he lets the memories assault him.

_“You look like an alien, babe.”_

_“It’s good for your skin, Lou.” Harry answers with a hip popped out sassily._

_“Whatever you say, love.” Louis teases some more, wearing a smirk that falls off his face when Harry wipes some on his cheek. “You realize that you’re going to pay for that, right?” Louis states, eyebrow raised._

_“Bring it on, baby.’’ Harry challenges, wearing his own smirk_.

Louis is now completely hunched over, holding his head in his hands as tears pour down. He takes a deep breath and stands up straight to turn around to start up the shower.

_“Oh, fuck, Louis! I love you, so much, Lou. Just like that, baby.” Harry’s moans echoed around the shower, bouncing off the tiles with the splattering of water on their skin as a soundtrack._

_“I love you—oh god, Harry, I’m close, baby—I love you so much! So close, Haz. Come for me, baby.” Louis whines, hips stuttering with his impending orgasm._

_“I love you, fuck, fuck, I love you, Louis!” Harry panted as his seed paints the tile beneath their feet_. _Louis pressed a kiss to the space between Harry’s shoulder blades as he, gently, pulls out._

_“God, I fucking love you so much, Haz.” Louis sighed, pressing a kiss to Harry’s lips when he stands and faces him._

_“I love you so much more.” Harry chuckles, breathlessly._

_“Not possible.”_

Louis stands with his head under the hot water, his tears mixing with the water as it pelts his skin. He grabs a shower scrunchie, heart squeezing as he looks at the two different shower gels—a sandalwood one and the mango scented one. He grabs his own, squeezing a generous amount onto the scrunchie before dragging it along his body, hoping that it will wash away his pain, as well. His heart aches with each memory; because with each memory, it’s more that Louis remembers that Harry was willing to throw away.

_“Morning, darling.” Harry greets around his toothbrush._

_“Morning, baby.” Louis chuckles, pressing a kiss to Harry’s cheek, chuckling at the toothpaste that is foaming around Harry’s lips. “Always so messy.” Louis shakes his head, fondly._

_“You still love me.” Harry says, spluttering more toothpaste down his chin with a giggle. “Oops.”_

_“Hi.” Louis finishes, shoving Harry’s chest when he advances towards Louis with his foamy lips puckered for a kiss. “I don’t think so, Harold. Wash your mouth.”_

_“Kiss me, please.” Harry is fighting his laughter, pulling Louis in by his hips and pressing a messy kiss to Louis’s mouth. “Much better.” Harry laughs._

_“You’re lucky I love you.” Louis sighs, wiping the toothpaste off his mouth._

_“I know.”_

Louis wipes his face with a towel, his tears still spilling as he makes his way out of the room to find Niall lying on Harry’s side, which makes Louis’s heart clench painfully in his chest. He walks into the closet, freezing at the sight of Harry’s clothes. Louis can’t hold it in anymore. He sits on the bench in the middle of the closet with his head in his hands, trying to let his pain out, silently, but as always, his body betrays him. A sob escapes his lips, making him press his fist to his mouth to stifle it, but Niall heard.

“Lou?” He approaches, finding Louis sitting in a towel and with his tears spilling down his face. “This will be good, Lou.” Niall reassures.

“Doesn’t feel like it.” Louis chokes, looking at one of Harry’s jumpers—a blue knitted one. “Feels like it’s going to swallow me whole.”

“I know it hurts, but it _will_ get better, Lou. Come on, get some pants on and climb in bed. Let’s get some sleep.” Niall coaxes. Louis nods his head, taking a deep breath before complying with Niall’s suggestion.

As has become routine, Louis’s dreams are nightmares that consist of Harry being fucked into their mattress by some faceless man while Louis watches. He wakes up, sweaty and covered in tears. He feels drained, but he can’t escape it. So, it doesn’t really come as a surprise to him when he wakes in the morning and is still tired; what does surprise him is the lack of Harry’s presence in the room. His entire nightstand is cleared out; all of his toiletries in the washroom, gone; his clothes, vanished. Louis should feel relief, but all he feels is panic. He searches for Niall, only to find him in the kitchen, chatting with Liam and Zayn.

“I think this is the only way for him to get better.” Niall says in a hushed tone. “I just don’t know what to do. I’m afraid to leave him.”

“We all are; maybe we take shifts. We need to tell Lottie, too.” Zayn offers, voice equally quiet.

“Harry has asked me to tell him about Louis.” Liam confesses and the mere sound of Harry’s name sends a sharp pain through his heart. “I told him that I would.”

“Not like he deserves it.” Zayn mutters.

“He knows that he made a mistake, Zayn.” Liam scolds.

“Louis tried to kill himself _twice_ because of him, Liam. I refuse to feel bad for him.” Zayn spits and Louis can feel his anger from here.

“At the end of the day, it’ll be Louis’s say whether Harry deserves his forgiveness. Doesn’t matter what we think.” Niall intervenes.

“Where’s all of Harry’s stuff?” Louis asks, frowning, heart clenching painfully. “Why is it like he’s disappeared?” Louis feels his panic rising.

“It’s for the best, Lou. I’ll be taking it to his place today.” Niall informs him with a sad look. Louis feels like an addict whose just run out of their supply.

“But then he’ll just be gone.” Louis whispers, heart beating erratically.

“No, he won’t, babe. Because he’s always in _here_.” Zayn soothes, pointing to the center of Louis’s chest, where his shattered heart sits. Niall wraps Louis in a hug, rubbing his back.

“Zayn said he’d stay with you today; I’ll be back in a few days, okay?” Niall asks. Louis hates feeling coddled, as though he’s a defenseless child, but he understands their worry.

“Ni, I want to go _home_.” Louis whimpers, sounding broken.

“Babe, you can’t go back to him until you can hear his name without it hurting.” Zayn says, looking into Louis’s eyes. “Until then, I don’t think you should see him.” Louis nods his head, fidgeting with his nails, feeling his heart breaking more than he thought was possible.

“I—I think I’m gonna go back to bed.” Louis whispers, turning away and walking back to his Harry-less bedroom. It hurts more than he thought possible, to have Harry erased. _I don’t want to forget you, anymore; I want you back_.

It takes Louis all of two weeks to text Harry—behind the lads’ backs, of course. He sits in his empty bathtub, eyes pooling with tears as he thinks about the last time he laid in an empty tub.

**Louis** : Harry?

**Harry** : Lou, darling, are you okay?

**Harry** : I miss you

**Louis** : I miss you…

**Harry** : what’s wrong, darling?

**Louis** : you’re not here.

**Louis** : you’re just erased and I don’t like it.

**Louis** : I don’t want to forget you anymore.

His heart hurts and his arms itch. He closes his eyes as he hears Zayn’s words play in his head. _You can’t go back to him until you can hear his name without it hurting_. So, he _tries_ to think of those horrid sounds. 

**Harry** : I’ve not gone anywhere, baby. I’m right here.

**Louis** : I need to remember.

His heart rips itself open as the sounds replay in his mind. He squeezes his phone tightly in his fist as he allows it to happen. _I need to desensitize myself, so I can move on_. Before he can talk himself out of it, he clicks the call icon on Harry’s name.

“Darling?” he answers, slicing through Louis’s heart like a warm knife through butter.

“Was I not enough?” Louis whispers, clutching his phone.

“Louis, darling, that was never it. Never.”

“Could I have done anything—”

“Baby, I promise you, it was all me.” Louis can’t breathe, his heart blocking his airways. “Louis?” His name on Harry’s lips is like poetry, but it sends more pain through Louis.

“Who was he?” Louis whispers.

“No one, darling; just some bloke that I met at the club.”

“So, a no one was worth throwing all of the love I gave you into the rubbish bin?” Louis whimpers.

“Louis.” Harry whimpers his name. “I don’t like where this is heading.”

“Yeah, I felt the same way when I realized your moans were real and that someone else was causing them. Calling you was a mistake. Zayn was right; I’m not ready.” Louis spits, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his jumper.

“Louis, I love you, please—”

“I love you, too, Harry. That’s why I think the lads are right about me needing to stay away from you.” Louis hiccups. “Zayn said that I couldn’t go home to you until I could hear your name without crying; I can’t. Each time, it cuts through me and it shouldn’t be that way.”

“Louis, you’re scaring me.”

“I’ll call you when I make a decision.” Louis states, voice sounding a lot surer than he feels.

“I don’t want to lose you.” Harry whispers.

“Guess you should’ve thought of that before you threw me away. I love you, Harry; always.” Louis ends the call before he can say anything else. He makes his way into the bedroom, handing Zayn his phone, looking down at his feet. “I can’t be trusted with it. Just take it.” Louis explains, taking a deep breath when Zayn listens without question.


	6. Beyonce's Resentment Sums It Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On Louis's journey to heal, he's started to feel more angry than sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song(s) for this chapter:
> 
> Beyonce - Resentment  
> The Weeknd - Die For You

“You are such a shit, you know that?” Dylan chuckles, collapsing against the couch with a scoff, controller sitting beside him. Louis laughs, shaking his head.

“No, you’re just shit at this game. Another round?” Louis asks, standing to grab himself another beer.

“Sure.” Dylan answers, shaking his head. Louis gets sidetracked when he sees Harry’s name flash on his screen, again. He shakes his head, declining the call again, as the anger begins to pump through his blood. “I know that face; Harry calling again?”

“You know, it’s still a mystery how you found me.” Louis deflects, earning a raised eyebrow and head shake paired with a smirk.

“Big ups on the deflection, mate. And to answer that, you may never know how I found you.” Dylan teases, accepting the beer. “Kidding; Niall, actually, found me. Wanted to thank me for keeping you from turning yourself into road kill.” Louis chuckles, shaking his head.

“Such a word smith.” Dylan shrugs with a chuckle of his own. “Ready to be owned, again?”

“I am going to wipe the floors with you, mate.” Dylan boasts, leaning forward in his seat, readying up, when they hear the door opening. “Were one of the lads supposed to come over?” Dylan asks, looking in the direction of the door. Louis frowns, shaking head as he stands to see who it could be, only to find Harry standing in the foyer.

“What are you doing here?” Louis spits, resentment pulsing through his veins. Harry takes Louis in like a dehydrated man.

“This is my home, too, Lou.”

“Not for the past few months.” Louis reminds, trying to ignore the wince on Harry’s face. “Why are you here?”

“You won’t respond to my texts or answer my calls. What else am I supposed to do?”

“Lou, who— _oh_.” Dylan’s eyes widen in surprise at finding Harry in the foyer. “Well, guess that’s my cue. Call me later?” Dylan asks, looking into Louis’s eyes, searching for any sign that he should stay. Louis nods, eyes never leaving Harry. 

“He’s the reason that you’re ignoring me?” Harry asks, pain dancing in his eyes. “You’re cheating?”

“That’s rich coming from you.” Louis scoffs, turning around to clean up the den, Harry hot on his heels. “He’s the one that helped me that night, in case you were wondering.” Louis jabs, not missing the way it affects him.

“Is he _helping_ you move on?”

“Not in the way that you’re implying, but yes, he’s helping me.” Louis sighs, rolling his eyes at the pain he thought he’d gotten rid of. “One step forward and three back.” Louis mutters as he walks past Harry.

“Louis, we can’t fix this if you won’t talk to me.” Harry asseverates, trying to grab his attention.

“Fix what?! I’m doing what I can to try to forgive this, Harry! Do you think it’s easy?! Feeling like I was no good, like I couldn’t do for you what ‘some bloke from the club’ could?!” Louis shouts, dropping the bottles into the sink, turning on Harry with anger in his blood and spilling down his cheeks.

“Baby, that’s why you need to talk to me! So, I can help you fight those thoughts!” Harry tries to reason.

“I couldn’t stop crying, Harry; I’ve finally stopped crying all day. This man has had half of me; how do you think that makes me feel? How would _you_ feel?” Louis points, jabbing a finger into Harry’s chest. “Huh? How would it have felt if I told you that I was letting Dylan fuck me in what was once our bed, hm? Would you be able to move on? Pretend that it’s all fucking rainbows?”

“Are you?” Harry chokes, his own tears spilling.

“No, but it doesn’t feel good, does it?” Louis points out, rolling his eyes at the relief on Harry’s face.

“Baby, I want to help—”

“You _can’t_ , Harry! I’m doing the best I can here; don’t you get that? You don’t understand that I am so fucking home sick, but I can’t go home until I can trust you!”

“Help me get there!”

“How?! I shouldn’t have to! You’re the one that fucked up and chose to not tell me! Now, it’s _you_ that has to prove that you’re worthy of me! Not the other way, Harry.” Louis spits, wiping his hands down his face as he tries to walk away from him.

“How can I prove I’m worthy of you when you won’t even speak to me?”

“Tell me, have you been alone all this time?” Louis almost chokes on the words, praying that the answer is ‘yes’ but so terrified that the answer is ‘no’.

“Yes. You’re all I think about, Lou.” Harry whispers, and Louis would be lying if he said that he didn’t want to kiss Harry in that moment. “I won’t _ever_ make that mistake, again.” Harry avows, but Louis doesn’t feel like he can trust that.

“Therein lies the problem, H; I don’t believe you.” Louis whimpers, sitting on the edge of the couch, head in his hands. “I want to trust you, so much, but it’s just not the same.” Louis tells him.

“How can I earn it?”

“Wait for me; no matter how long it takes.” Louis shrugs. “I’m not ready to let you go, but I just don’t trust you enough to take you back, completely.”

“I’ll always wait for you, Lou.” Harry whispers. “Should I leave?” Harry queries, sniffling as he stares down at his hands, and _god_ , how Louis’s missed those hands; those lips, his smile; _him_.

“Don’t be daft, you drove all the way down. Just stay in one of the spare rooms.” Louis sighs, standing up to walk back to his room, needing space. “I’m going for a shower.” Louis mutters.

**Louis** : Urgent.

**Louis** : I’m relapsing.

**Zayn** : What is it, babe?

**Liam** : What happened?

**Niall** : are you okay?

**Louis** : he’s here.

**Louis** : I can feel the mistake.

**Zayn** : Louis, think of yourself, babe.

**Liam** : what Zayn said

**Niall** : what Zayn said

Louis takes a deep breath, sitting in his bed as he tries to remember to put himself first. He makes his way to his washroom, turning the water on, trying to focus on every action rather than the itching in his wrists. _You’re stronger than this, Louis; get it together_ ; he scolds himself as he steps under the steaming spray. He’s wrapping a towel around his waist when he freezes in his tracks to find Harry on his side of the bed, eyes raking up Louis’s wet body.

“What are you doing?” Louis asks, feeling exposed at the heat in Harry’s gaze.

“You really erased me.” Harry mutters, gesturing to the room, before his eyes settle back on Louis’s body.

“Still doesn’t explain what you’re doing in my room.” Louis sasses, holding his towel tightly around his hips.

“Your comment earlier got under my skin. Was scared that I’d find evidence of him in here.” Harry confesses, hand rubbing along the silk sheets. “Are you alone, a lot?”

“The lads and my siblings take it in turns; still afraid that I’ll take the moment alone to end my misery.”

“Would you?”

“Undecided. Some days are better than others.” Louis feels frozen, but refuses to let him reduce him to a puddle of fear, so he makes to move to the closet, feeling Harry’s eyes on his every move. He can feel the insecurities licking up his throat, gripping it and digging their claws in. “Can you stop looking at me, please?” Louis spits, closing his eyes. He can hear shuffling, hopes that means Harry is leaving him be, but no. Harry rests his hands against Louis’s hips, his lips ghosting over Louis’s bare shoulder, breath tickling his skin. “H-Harry, please—”

“Always so beautiful, Lou. The most beautiful.” Harry whispers, his lips barely brushing against Louis’s skin.

“That’s a lie.” Louis answers, his voice breathy, eyes fluttering shut and body betraying him as always. “If that was true, you wouldn’t have—”

“Your beauty was _never_ a part of that. You are _stunning_ , as always.” Harry cuts him off, voice firm; his right-hand snakes forward and rests against Louis’s stomach while his other holds tightly onto his hip, gripping onto the towel. “I miss you so much, Lou.” Harry whimpers, lips still only brushing Louis’s skin, making him antsy. He rests his head against Harry’s shoulder, hands moving to rest against Harry’s own as he surrenders himself to him. “Fuck, Lou.” Harry groans when Louis, unconsciously, presses his hips back into Harry’s.

“S-sorry.” Louis stutters, breathily.

“Can I kiss you? Please?” Harry pleads, lips still lightly pressing to Louis’s skin. Louis knows that this is a mistake, that he’s moving too fast, but Harry has turned him to jelly and Louis isn’t thinking with the right head. Before Louis can answer, Zayn bursts in, eyes blazing with anger as he looks at Harry.

“Louis, get away from him.” Zayn orders. Louis shakes his head, clearing it of the lust that had been clouding it, before rushing over to Zayn’s side. “You’re taking advantage of his vulnerability.” Zayn accuses.

“I’m trying to mend our marriage. Why are you so against it?” Harry retorts, looking between Zayn and Louis.

“You hurt him; you didn’t see how broken you made him; also, if you think that sex is the way to fix your marriage, then you _really_ aren’t worthy.” Zayn bites, arm in front of Louis to shield him.

“He’s not a child, Zayn!”

“No, he’s only _suicidal_!” Zayn shouts back, making Harry flinch. “Yeah, you _should_ fucking feel bad!”

“Stop! Zayn, please, look at me.” Louis pleads, grabbing his hand to turn him to face him. “I’m better, Z, truthfully. I didn’t think about that once while he was in there!” Louis announces, living in the shock on Zayn’s face.

“At all?” Louis shakes his head, unable to contain his smile. “Louis, I’m still not sure.”

“I’m not, either, but it’s progress.” Louis says. “They’re fading. Maybe, if I—”

“Lou, I know where you’re going with this; _no_. That’s not the way to do it. You can’t replace those memories with new ones.” Zayn soothes, resting his hands against Louis’s shoulders, affectionately. “But it is a step in the right direction, babe. So, maybe I’ll let you be alone with him for a short while.” Zayn ponders, rolling his eyes at Louis’s puppy eyes. “You’re a menace.” Zayn chuckles, turning back to Harry. “I’m leaving for an hour; that’s all the time you’ll get alone with him.” Zayn barks, hugging Louis before walking out of the room.

“Is there something going on with you and Zayn?” Harry spits the moment they’re alone.

“No; he just spends most of the time here with me, well and—never mind.” Louis whispers, fidgeting with the edge of his towel. “I’m going to put on some clothes, now.” Louis mutters, suddenly self-conscious all over again. Harry takes hold of his hand, pulling him to his body.

“Don’t hide from me, Lou. You’re beautiful.” Harry asseverates, looking into Louis’s eyes as he cups his jaw. “ _So_ fucking beautiful.” He whispers, eyes lingering on Louis’s lips. “Can—”

“Can you kiss me?” Louis blurts out without thinking. Harry nods, leaning in to attach their lips for the first time in months. Louis lets out an involuntary moan, melting into Harry’s touch. Harry releases his own moan when Louis reaches his arms up to tangle his fingers into Harry’s hair. Louis pulls away first, breathless and the very image of sex with his damp hair, glistening skin and kiss-swollen lips.

“Darling?” Harry whispers, voice laced with lust and desire. A slow smile spreads across Louis’s face.

“Nothing.” He whispers.

“Nothing?” Harry would be lying if he said that didn’t hurt.

“The horribly broken record that was you breaking my trust—I didn’t hear it.” Louis whispers, his excitement palpable. He takes hold of Harry’s face, again, to smash his mouth onto his again. He licks into Harry’s mouth with fervor, moaning and gasping as he tastes him. Pulling away with an even bigger smile. “Still nothing!” He shouts, cupping his hands over his mouth as he looks up at Harry. “I need to—” Harry cuts him off with another kiss. Louis’s gasp is swallowed by Harry’s mouth, eating up the moan that follows when Harry grasps Louis’s full behind.

“Now?” Harry asks, voice even thicker with lust.

“Still nothing.” Louis replies, equally breathless. “I need to call—”

“Dylan?” Harry guesses by the way Louis hesitates. Louis nods, grabbing a pair of briefs to slip on, allowing Harry to ogle his nudity briefly. Louis walks to the bed, searching his phone for Dylan’s name, face brightening up as soon as he gets an answer.

“Dylan, mate, guess what?!”

“Good news from the sound of your voice. Oh no, you didn’t fuck him—”

“Let me talk, you twat! We didn’t do that, no, but he kissed me, D.”

“Louis—”

“Get this, the sound, the images— _gone_!”

“Really?”

“Yes! I’m getting better.”

“Will you go back to him?” Dylan asks, his voice sounding slightly off. Louis doesn’t even hesitate as he looks up at Harry, who is leaning in the doorway.

“I think so, yeah.” Dylan sighs, heavily.

“Cheers, then, mate. Happy for you.”

“Thanks. Just wanted to tell you that I’m getting better.” Louis sighs, ending the call a moment later. “You’re still sleeping in a different bed.” He tells Harry, who only nods with a smile.

“I’m just glad that you kissed me and we’re on our way.” Harry sighs, walking back up to Louis to cup his jaw, placing more kisses to his lips before Zayn is clearing his throat in the doorway. “That was _not_ an _hour_.” Harry groans.

“Well, I’m back now.” Zayn spits, making his way to the closet to strip down to his briefs, looking pointedly at Harry before climbing into bed beside Louis. 

“Good night, my darling.” Harry sighs, looking like leaving Louis to cuddle with Zayn is the last thing he wants to do, but respecting Louis’s boundaries nonetheless.

“Good night, Haz.” Louis answers, hiding his grin behind the blanket as he watches Harry leave the room. Zayn sighs, heavily behind Louis.

“Louis, babe, I hope you’re being careful.” He whispers into the dark.

“He kissed me again and there was still nothing, Z.” Louis reveals, heart beating to the drum of hope.

“I still wish that you would take it slower.”

“I will, but I swear, I’m getting better.” Louis promises, yawning as the stress and excitement of Harry being here overwhelm him.

“ _You’re so good; fuck so hot, harder, harder!”_

_“Don’t stop, yeah, baby, ride me!”_

_“Oh, fuck me! Kiss me, please._ ”

“Lou! Louis! Wake up, Louis!” Louis hears Zayn, faintly. Louis wakes up with a sob built up in his throat, sweat trickling down his forehead and sticking to his body. “Oh, Louis. Come here, babe.” Zayn coos, wrapping his arms around Louis, letting him cry against his bare chest as he had done many times before. “I told you to take it slow, babe.” Zayn whispers into Louis’s hair. Harry bursts through the door a moment later, sitting on Louis’s other side, panting.

“Darling, I heard you crying; what is it?” Harry asks, frantic as he takes in the state that Louis is in.

“ _You_. He had a nightmare, only it _wasn’t_ a nightmare, was it?” Zayn spits, tugging Louis tighter to him.

“Please, stop. I’m too tired, Z.” Louis whines, sitting up to wipe his tears off his face. “I am getting better, Z; it’s just a hiccup.” Louis defends, side-glancing at Harry.

“If you’re better, then look at him, Lou.” Zayn states, sitting beside him. “Look at him and tell me that it isn’t happening, again.”

“Lou?” Harry rests his hand on Louis’s thigh. Louis takes a deep breath before turning his face to Harry, looking into his eyes and hating that Zayn is right. He can see the picture of Harry’s face scrunched up in pleasure, cheeks pink and lips red, eyes glossy. He can smell his sweat, can see it building on Harry’s broad shoulders.

“ _Harder, oh fuck, please, please! Yeah, right there, there_!”

Louis rips his gaze away from Harry, breathing in through his nose and exhaling through his mouth as the tears build in his eyes. He grips Zayn’s hand for support as the sounds assault him and his mouth begs for the burning of liquor and his wrist itches for the sting of a blade.

“ _Please_.” He begs the universe. Zayn wraps his arms around Louis’s shoulders, tugging him into his embrace. “I don’t want to feel this anymore. I want to look at him and not see him be fucked by some faceless man or hear him. I just want to go _home_.” Louis whispers to Zayn, who has heard this all before, but Harry hasn’t and it breaks his heart, absolutely shatters it to a million pieces that the man he knows as confident, loud and sure, has been reduced to this. “Zayn, Zayn, Z—”

“I know, Lou.” Zayn sighs, rubbing his back.

“What’s wrong?”

“Other than the obvious? He’s craving self-destruction; alcohol and a hunting knife.” Zayn spits, glaring at Harry.

“Remember what your mum said last time, Lou. Think about that.” Zayn soothes, resting his head on Louis’s shoulder. Harry wonders what that means, not recalling a time when Louis was suicidal. “Strong, strong Louis. You have to stay for them, Lou. Want me to call them tomorrow?” Zayn asks, receiving a shaky nod from Louis. “Alright, babe; I will. Let’s get you back to sleep, yeah?”

“No, _no_ , I _can’t_.” Louis whines, looking into Zayn’s eyes. “It’s _there_ , Z.”

“You need sleep, babe. Harry, you need to go. He won’t be able to rest with you in here.”

“I don’t want to leave until I know—”

“Too fucking bad that this isn’t about you, isn’t it?” Zayn bites.

“Don’t talk to him that way.” Louis speaks up, eyes darting towards Harry, briefly. _I broke him and he still defends me_ ; Harry feels sick to his stomach.

“You broke him and he still defends you.” Zayn scoffs, voicing Harry’s own thoughts. “Louis, babe, I’m going to call D; I can’t be around Harry.” Zayn sighs, reaching for his phone. Louis stands on numb legs, shrugging Harry off as he walks to the en suite, making to lock the door behind him, but Zayn knows better than that and blocks him from locking the door, shaking his head at him. “I don’t think so, babe. I know what you’re about to try.”

“I won’t, I just need to splash my face with some cold water and have a piss.” Louis lies, receiving a disbelieving glare from Zayn.

“D, I need you here with Lou. I can’t be around Harry.” While Zayn is distracted, Louis shuts and locks the door, sliding down to the floor to cry against his knees, hating that he’s back to this when he thought he was doing better. He crawls to the sink where he keeps a small bottle of vodka, uncapping it with shaking fingers, ignoring the sound of fists banging on the door while he gulps it down, tears spilling all the while. _I used to be so strong, now you took my soul_ ; Louis thinks Beyonce really knows how he feels and wishes that she didn’t.

“Louis! Open the door!” Harry pleads, knocking, insistently. Louis shakes his head, finishing the small bottle, lying on the cold tiles to stay away from everyone. “He won’t answer me or unlock the door.” Harry tells Dylan, hating that he’s telling this to him.

“Let me; he’s done this before.” Dylan sighs, nudging Harry out of the way before crouching to stick a credit card into the door, opening the door. “Alright, mate, come here.” He sighs, crouching to pick Louis up into his arms, carrying him bridal style to the bed. “Really got yourself in it, didn’t you?” Dylan chuckles, sadly, covering Louis with the comforter, sliding in behind him. “You can go, now.” He directs to Harry.

“Do you want him?” Harry spits out, unable to control it.

“I’m straight. He was loyal, so why are you so insecure?”

“Because he has every reason to leave.” Harry mutters, pressing a kiss to Louis’s forehead, heart breaking at the stench of liquor that wafts in his face then leaves him to be soothed by another man.


	7. Exposure Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He just wants to go home, he'll do whatever he needs to get there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song(s) for this chapter:
> 
> Destiny's Child - Emotion  
> Everyone Loves An Outlaw - I See Red  
> Sam Smith - Lay With Me  
> Jessie Ware - Say You Love Me  
> Beyonce - I'd Rather Be Blind

Louis wakes the next morning with a throbbing headache, wrapped in Dylan’s arms. He knows that Dylan can tell that he’s awake by the hefty sigh that leaves his lips.

“Louis, why did you let him get close?”

“Why did you lie to him?” Louis retorts.

“If I had told him that I was bi, he wouldn’t have left the room.”

“I’m trying to mend my marriage, D; I can’t lie to him.”

“Do what you have to, but I think you need to pump the brakes a bit.” Dylan sighs, again. Louis continues to lay in his arms, afraid that any movement will make his head throb.

“Dylan, I think I have an idea.” Louis whispers, sitting up and cause his head to throb, it did. “Exposure therapy.” Louis says through clenched teeth with the heels of his hands pressed into his eyes.

“Exposure therapy? What do you mean?”

“Well, kissing him, yes it set me back, but it was silent, at first. So, maybe—”

“The more you are around him, the less it will hurt.” Dylan finishes, sitting up beside Louis.

“Exactly. So, what do you think?”

“I think it’s worth a shot.” Dylan agrees, nodding his head.

“Great, I’m gonna go talk to Harry.”

“How do you know which room he’s in?”

“He would’ve chose the room closest to me.” Louis states, a flutter beneath his ribs. Louis, slowly, makes his way out of bed, breathing deeply against the pain in his head. He makes his way to Harry’s room, knocking on the door, lightly. He can feel his anxiety begin to creep up his spine but the excitement is trumping it, mixing the butterflies around in his stomach and making his heart flutter. Harry opens the door clad only in his Calvin Klein briefs, hair a mess of sleepy locks, eyes bright and lips puffy with sleep. Louis loses his train of thought just looking at him.

“Morning, darling.” Harry greets, his voice still deep with sleep, a sadness in his eyes that Louis wants to take away but knows that Harry is the reason for it being there in the first place.

“Can we talk?” Louis mutters, fiddling with his fingers. Harry nods, stepping aside to allow Louis in. Louis’s entire body feels more alive than it has in months, just by being this close to Harry, again.

“Sounds daunting.” Harry sighs, sitting on the bed then patting the space beside him for Louis to join. Louis sits across from him with his legs crossed and hands in his lap.

“I need to tell you something about Dylan.” Louis sighs, eyes not leaving his hands.

“Is there something—”

“No, but he’s not straight; he’s bi.” Louis informs. “I figured that if we’re fixing our relationship, it needs to be a two-way street, right? I tell you the truth, you do?” Louis explains, peeking up at Harry from under his lashes, catching the small smile on Harry’s face.

“Right. So, what else?”

“I’ve had an idea regarding me getting rid of these awful memories; or at least moving past them.” Louis reveals, taking a deep breath. “Have you heard of exposure therapy?” Louis asks, finally looking up at Harry, who now thinks he understands why Louis looks so nervous. _Doesn’t he understand that he’s the only one, that there’s no one left to hold me or kiss me good night; I won’t do that_.

“I won’t do that to you, Lou. I’m not—”

“No, nothing like that. I’m suggesting us spending more time together. Kissing you may have been the catalyst for my breakdown, but in the moment, it was silent.” Louis tries to explain, but he can’t seem to find the right words. “When I was kissing you, it was finally silent. All I could hear was our breathing and our lust. Just like before.” Louis mutters.

“So?” Harry’s voice sounds hopeful, despite him knowing how dangerous hope is right now. _I don’t know what I’ll do if he won’t come back; there’s nobody left in this world that I want_.

“I think the only way for me to heal is to be around you.” Louis concludes. “Only you can help me get past it.” Louis knows that there need to be boundaries, but he needed to tell him, to talk to him. Even being in this room with him is confusing Louis; he should be angry, he should hate him or be crying but all he feels is a strange calm.

“Can I kiss you?” Harry whispers. Louis takes a deep breath as he thinks about it.

“I think we should take this slower.” Louis voices, quietly. “Just for now. Think of it as we’re dating and you’re proving to me that I can trust you.” Louis tries to reason. Harry nods, taking a deep breath. Louis leans forward and presses his lips to Harry’s cheek, feeling his own heating up.

“Exposure therapy.” Harry states, looking at Louis, who nods his head. “Can I kiss you, sometimes?” Harry asks, desperate for the feeling of Louis’s scruff against his chin and under his fingers; hungry for the feeling of Louis’s lips on his own.

“When the moment is right.” Louis lets out a breathy chuckle. “The girls are coming today, so it’s best you make yourself scarce.” Louis warns, eyes locked on Harry’s perfectly pink mouth. Harry can see the battle in Louis’s eyes; whether or not to kiss Harry—he’s hoping he does—but Louis’s self-control is too strong. He takes a deep breath before standing from the bed. “I have to go shower. I lo—I miss you.” Louis breathes deeply at his almost slip up, but he said that he wouldn’t lie. “And I love you; even though you haven’t earned it, yet.” Louis sighs, allowing Harry to take hold of his hand.

“I’ll spend every day for the rest of my life earning it, Lou.” Harry hums, pressing a kiss to the back of Louis’s hand before watching Louis leave the room, back to where Dylan is; about to be naked and wet with Dylan there. Harry hates that the jealousy is making him sick and burning his throat because he has no place being jealous, but he can’t help it. Harry hates the acid that is burning his throat at the sound of the Tomlinsons greeting Dylan like he’s family; like they had once greeted Harry. He despised himself the most of all because he knows that its his fault. It’s because of him that Louis is laughing and joking around with another man; it’s his fault that there is even the slightest possibility of Louis leaving him. Harry heeds Louis’s warning, hiding away in the guest room as he listens to the Tomlinsons accepting Dylan into the family with no problem.

A few days later, Louis has kissed Harry a handful of times, each time gets more heated and passionate. Louis feels drunk on him and Harry gets high off of Louis’s whimpers and moans. Louis still sleeps in his own bed, accompanied by one of the lads or Dylan. Harry is sitting on the couch in the den watching as Louis cleans up the beer bottles from the lads’ night when it happens. Harry hears a conversation, so he stands to see what is happening only to be face to face with the man that Harry had been praying he’d never see again. He stands tall, lean and muscular wearing a white button down with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows; his hair is artfully disheveled and a smirk is on his lips.

“Hey there, gorgeous.” He greets in his deep voice; by the look on Louis’s face, he knows that Louis knows who this is. Harry looks at Louis with a panicked expression, shaking his head at the pain in Louis’s eyes. “Who is this pretty little thing?” the man asks, looking at Louis for the first time since walking in. Harry feels fire in his veins.

“Get out.” Harry orders, voice sounding much like a warning. “Now.”

“That’s not what you were saying the last time we were together.” He flirts, winking at Harry; which seems to break Louis, who bolts out of the room to empty the contents of his stomach into the kitchen sink. “Oh, I get it; he’s yours?”

“Yes. What happened with us was the worst mistake of my life; now you need to leave.”

“Mistake, indeed it is, to risk losing someone so pretty; such a pretty body, too. Hm, things I could—” He hums, looking in the direction that Louis had disappeared, his bottom lip caught between his teeth as he strokes his chin in contemplation and Harry _doesn’t_ want to know what he’s thinking about. Harry doesn’t know how to control himself, and next thing he knows, his hand is throbbing, yet he doesn’t stop there. He chuckles at Harry as he rubs his jaw.

“What? You can have me, but your pretty boy in there can’t?” He taunts. “And with an ass like his, I bet he’d be a wonderful bottom.” He smirks, and all Harry sees is _red_. He throws another punch, straight into the man’s nose, and he really shouldn’t enjoy the sight of his gushing blood as much as he does.

“Harry!” Louis shouts, tugging him away from the bloodied man beneath him. “Stop!”

“I said to get out.” Harry grits out, watching as the man stands, wiping his mouth like he isn’t bleeding an entire waterfall.

“I can’t say you don’t deserve it, but you need to leave.” Louis huffs to the man, holding Harry’s face to keep his attention. “Come with me, you bloody idiot.” Louis groans, towing Harry to the en suite, sitting him beside the bath tub while he wets a wash cloth with warm water. Louis shakes his head, cleaning the blood off Harry’s knuckles, then looking into his eyes.

“I see what you saw in him. He’s really attractive.” Louis mutters, a wrinkle in his brow and his bottom lip trembling. Harry wants the ground to swallow him whole because he never wanted to see the look of insecurity on Louis’s face.

“Darling, you are the most beautiful person to me.” Harry vows, gripping the washcloth to stop Louis’s ministrations. “Louis, look at me.”

“If that were true, Haz, then you wouldn’t have done it.” Louis sighs, shaking his head, sadly as he drops the washcloth into the sink; Harry can see his shoulders shake, so he knows that he’s crying.

“Darling, please—”

“I just need a moment.” Louis chokes, sitting on the edge of his bed.

“Can I lay with you, just to make sure that you’re alright?” Harry asks, his heart squeezing, painfully. Louis shrugs before nodding, scooting backwards to lay in Harry’s arms. “I’ll take care of you.” Harry whispers, feeling whole for the first time in forever. “Darling? How did he even—”

“Exposure therapy.” Dylan answers from the doorway. Louis sits up, glaring at Dylan. “Lou, love, I’m sorry. You always say that you see him being fucked by a faceless man, so I found the man.”

“So, you thought that forcing me to see them together in the same fucking room was the way to go?!” Louis shouts, sitting up, his anger shaking his veins.

“Louis, just being around him is only putting a band-aid over it! You need to face the situation! He _cheated_ , with _that_ man!” Dylan shouts as Louis stands from the bed. “ _This_ is the exposure, Louis! Now, you’ll be exposed to the memories of your _beloved_ Harry being fucked into your bed by _that_ man—who is _not_ you!” His words seem to snap something in Louis, because before anyone can comprehend anything, Louis’s fist collides with the side of Dylan’s jaw.

“ _Fuck_ you!” Louis growls, breathing heavy, angry tears shedding. “I’m getting _better_! _Why_ is that so bad?!”

“Louis, it was _my_ idea!” Zayn shouts, coming into the room and the pain that crosses Louis’s face is almost as bad as when he told Harry that he knew that he had cheated.

“Why is everyone out to hurt me? What have I done?” Louis whines, looking between all three men—Harry, Dylan and Zayn.

“Lou, babe, I’m not _trying_ to hurt you. I’m trying to _help_. Your version of exposure therapy wasn’t working.” Zayn tries to reason, but Louis looks too broken to hear. “Babe, you know that I’m right. It wasn’t working.”

“It _was_! I was getting better!” Louis argues, hands shaking as he avoids looking at any of them. “I want you all to go. All of you. I need to be alone.” Louis says, voice shaky as he makes his way to the en suite, ready to lock himself in just for a moment of peace. “Each of you has betrayed me.” Louis whispers, ignoring Zayn as he tries to keep Louis from closing the door behind himself to allows himself a moment to break down, alone. He can hear them all file out of his bedroom, giving him the reprieve that he was begging for, allowing him the moment he was hoping he’d get so he could let all of his pain out. His sobs are so fierce that no sound escapes his lips as the images flit across his mind like an old film. He holds his head, pain stabbing him through the heart, over and over as he tries to get more oxygen into his lungs. He weeps until his eyes feel dried out and his body feels well and truly cried out. When he walks out of the washroom, Harry is still sitting on the edge of his bed, pain written all over his face. “How long were you here for?” Louis croaks, holding himself.

“Never left.” Harry whispers, standing to wrap Louis in his embrace. “Fuck, I’m so sorry, my darling. I’m so fucking sorry.” Harry whimpers into Louis’s neck, a sob ripping out of his mouth when Louis wraps his arms around his waist, squeezing him so tight it felt like he was trying to fuse their bodies together.

“Say you love me, Harry.” Louis whimpers, clutching onto Harry like he’s his lifeline. “Tell me that you only want me.”

“I do, baby. I love you so much.” Harry replies, his tears collecting in the dips of Louis’s beautiful collarbones. “You’re _all_ I want, my darling.”

“Kiss me, Harry. Kiss me like you want me, like you want to be loved by me.” Louis hiccups as he pulls back to stare into Harry’s eyes with desperation. Harry doesn’t have to be told twice; he cups Louis’s jaw, pressing their lips together in a frenzy. Louis tangles his fingers into Harry’s hair, tugging the hair at the nape of his neck, humming when Harry releases a moan into his mouth. Harry licks into Louis’s mouth, groaning at the flavor of lager that lingers there, thankful that it’s not something stronger. Harry’s legs hit the edge of the bed, sending him falling backwards. Louis thinks he’s beautiful; he squeezes his eyes shut at the thought of that man seeing Harry in this same position. He straddles Harry’s lap, leaning over him and pressing his lips to Harry’s, whimpering as the images assault him. “Touch me, Harry. _Please_.” Louis begs, needing to replace those images. 

“ _Louis_.” He moans as Louis grinds his hips against Harry’s. “I thought— _oh_ , baby, _fuck_ you’re gorgeous—thought you wanted to go slow.” Harry groans, hands gripping onto Louis’s hips for dear life. Harry is trying to do right by Louis, but all Louis hears is, _he doesn’t want you_. He climbs off Harry’s lap, breathless and choking on his own insecurities. “Darling—”

“No, it’s fine. Who would want _this_ when they’ve had _that_?” Louis scoffs, standing from the bed with a shake of his head, making his way to the kitchen, announcing, “I’m fixing myself a drink, you twats want one?”

“Louis—” Zayn starts.

“Save it. Do you want anything?” Louis asks, avoiding the way Dylan is looking at him, but Harry sees it. The desire, the lust, the admiration in those hazel eyes that are watching Louis’s every move. Dylan looks over to Harry; probably sees the rosiness of his cheeks that matches Louis’s, catches the way his and Louis’s lips are swollen and red; most definitely sees the beard burn that is irritating Harry’s chin so deliciously, but it doesn’t prepare Harry for what happens next.

“Yeah, I do.” He answers, taking Louis’s face between his hands and pressing his full lips to Louis’s, earning a surprised groan from Louis. Harry feels the floor collapse beneath his feet at the sight before him; Louis looks shocked, eyes open and hands at his sides while Dylan works his mouth against Louis’s. It felt like it all happened in slow motion, but then Louis is shoving him away.

“What the _fuck_ , Dylan?! I’m _married_!” Louis shouts, wiping his hand across his mouth and rinsing it with what Harry assumes is tequila.

“He needed a taste of his own medicine.” Dylan reasons, breathless and Harry can see the desire on his face as he eyes Louis. He walks back towards the den, glaring at Harry on his way. “ _That_ is how you act when you’re married. You don’t let something pretty distract you from what matters.” He grits out before grabbing his coat and leaving. Harry is frozen to his spot, mind reeling, heart shattering as it played over in his mind, even though Louis pushed him away. He can’t imagine what Louis felt when hearing him betray him when just the sight of someone else touching what’s his has Harry ready to lose his mind. He rushes over to Louis, taking his face in between his hands, looking into his eyes.

“I would much rather be blind than _ever_ see someone else kiss you.” Harry chokes out, the memory of Dylan’s hands on Louis, his lips against Louis’s, playing in Harry’s mind.

“I wouldn’t do that.” Louis whispers, looking into Harry’s eyes to find a familiar look in them; a look that Louis has become intimate with the past half year. “I love you so much that it makes me cry, Haz. I would never—” Harry cuts him off with a kiss, his tears spilling and soaking their lips.

“Fuck, I’m _so_ shit, Louis. I’m so fucking sorry.” Harry cries, holding Louis to him. “I don’t deserve you, baby. _At_ _all_.” Harry whispers, heart breaking at what he thinks is the best for Louis.

“Harry, don’t do this.” Louis tightens his hold on Harry, clutching at Harry’s shirt. “I know what you’re about to do, _don’t_.” Louis begs.

“You deserve to find your star, baby. You deserve the _best_ and I am so shitty, Louis. I can’t take what I did back, but I can do this. Or I _want_ to.”

“You want to leave me?” Louis whimpers, looking into Harry’s eyes, making this so much more difficult than Harry imagined possible. “Will you _ever_ be done hurting me?” Louis beseeches, the heartbreak clearer on Louis’s face.

“If you love them, let them go, right?” Harry sniffles. Louis pushes Harry away from him, finishing his drink, filling it once again then stomping out of the kitchen, Harry right behind him.

“If you’re leaving, then _go_ , but I refuse to watch.” Louis states, fury taking place of the heartbreak on his face.

“You’re angry, good. It’ll make this easier.” Harry offers a sad smile, which seems to anger Louis. He tips the rest of his drink down his throat, slamming it down on the nearest surface before storming up to Harry.

“You’re a _coward_ , Harry Styles- _Tomlinson_.” Louis grits, staring into Harry’s eyes, stabbing his heart as he uses his marriage name. “All I wanted for my life was to love you; to lay down my life for you, and you’re walking away from me? After _all_ the _shit_ that you’ve put me through?” Louis’s breaths are coming in heavy as his tears spill, but his anger doesn’t subside. “I don’t get a say here?” Louis spits, eyes darting between Harry’s eyes and his mouth.

“I’m doing this _for_ you, Lou.”

“ _Bullshit_! I want _you_ , Harry! If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have put myself through this shit trying to fix our marriage! I would’ve divorced you the moment you answered that fucking call, but I didn’t because I fucking _love_ you more than I should.” Louis spits, causing Harry to wince because he knows that Louis is right. “I’ve given you _all_ of me and you’re leaving me a shell of the man I was when you met me.” Louis’s voice has quieted down, his breaths stuttering and his tears falling freely.

“Louis, you’re making this harder than it needs to be.”

“You know what? Go on and divorce me, Harry. _Tomlinsons_ aren’t cowards, guess I just needed _you_ to remind me of that.” Louis spits, turning on his heel to pick his glass up, looking at Harry once more. “You’re going to regret this when you wake up and I’m not there. When you miss my arms around you, don’t come calling.” Louis states, making his way to the den. “Zayn, give me an hour; I want out.” Louis says, looking pointedly at Harry. “My worst fears in this relationship were not being enough for you and you leaving me; guess I’ve faced them both.” Louis mutters, slamming his door behind him when he makes his way into his room. Harry feels frozen, but he can still feel Zayn’s eyes on him.

“ _Now_ , you’re worthy of him.”

“Oh, because I’m letting him go?

“Because you’re putting him first.” Zayn concludes, standing to walk towards Louis’s room. “I’m going to go check on him.” Harry has never felt so broken like he does in this moment; hearing glass shatter from Louis’s room, hearing his screamed profanities as he begs Zayn to answer why Harry is leaving him, telling Zayn that he only wants Harry’s love and pleading for an answer to why Harry doesn’t love him, why he doesn’t want him.


	8. I Miss You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is only trying to numb himself; Harry can't stand to see him with another man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song(s) for this chapter:
> 
> Beyonce - Die With You  
> Beyonce - I Miss You (Listen to this around the time that Louis is leaving for the club w/out Zayn)  
> Mya - Case of the Ex (Listen to this when he's dancing)  
> Sam Smith - Stay With Me (Listen to this at the end of the chapter)  
> Ed Sheeran - Kiss Me

Zayn took Louis to a club, eyeing him as he orders a round of shots that he finishes himself; watches him as he makes his way onto the dancefloor to dance with whoever had a pulse. He felt his stomach drop when he caught sight of him grasping a stranger’s face and pressing their lips together. _This isn’t right_ ; Zayn thought as he watched Louis’s newest form of self-destruction. For the past year, it goes the same way every night; club, watch Louis drink himself blind, observe as he shoves his tongue down anyone’s throats, then carry him home to hold him while his sobs shake his entire being. Zayn doesn’t know how much longer he can take seeing Louis like this. None of the lads can.

“Um, h-how is he?” Harry asks, knowing that Zayn is with Louis as they speak. Zayn sighs, watching Louis get ready to go to another club.

“Truthfully? He’s drowning in alcohol and a sea of bodies.”

“H-hes been seeing people?” Harry’s voice cracks.

“If you count tonguing everyone and anyone while dancing? Yes. But every night, we make it home to him sobbing and asking for you.” Zayn sighs, catching sight of fresh marks on Louis’s arms. “What the fuck is _that_ , Louis?”

“Zayn? What’s going on?” Harry is breathless with worry.

“It’s nothing, Z.” Louis lies, shrugging but not bothering covering them. “Just a little pain reliever.”

“How did you do that? I’m always with you.”

“Not when I use the toilet at the club.” Louis shrugs as if it’s no big deal. “Sometimes, not even all the alcohol in the world can take away this pain.” Louis mutters, hating his own reflection more than he’s hated anyone. Harry’s heart is shattering at the conversation that he isn’t meant to be hearing. “I don’t need anything if I can’t have him, Z. The air in my lungs, I wish it would just _go_ , because I don’t need it, if I don’t have him.” Louis sounds close to tears and Harry wishes it would stop.

“Louis, this cycle isn’t good. We’re all worried.”

“Then, stop. He did.” Louis sounds different, like he’s putting on a mask.

“Did he? He calls me every day to ask about you. Does that sound like he’s not worried?” Zayn asks, showing Louis that he’s still on the call with Harry. Zayn can see the glimmer in his eyes, but he wipes it away just as quickly as Zayn had spotted it.

“I’ll be fine. D is coming with me, tonight.”

“He misses—”

“ _Don’t_ , Zayn; I mean it.” Louis’s voice is hard, but Harry doesn’t get to see the tears that fall. Zayn sees them, though.

“Louis, mate! Ready?” Dylan calls as he walks into the bedroom.

“Yeah, babe. Coming right now.” Louis sighs, wiping his face, grimacing at his own reflection. Harry’s heart lurches into his throat at the term of endearment.

“Where are you? Are you still in Donny?” Harry chokes.

“No. We’re at the usual one in London.” Zayn reveals, watching Louis leave with Dylan’s hand on his lower back. “You’ve gotta do something. He’s spiraling, Harry. I know I was against it before, but he is _so_ much worse, Harry.” Zayn feels concern strangle him. “He’s unpredictable. I don’t know if he’s going to throw himself of a bridge or what.”

“I don’t know—”

“Stop being a pussy. You love him?”

“Of course.”

“Then, go get him. I have a bad feeling.”

“Okay, yeah.”

“I’ll meet you.” Zayn sighs, hanging up, praying that Harry can get Louis back on track.

Louis’s blood starts pumping the moment he steps into the club; neon lasers swirling around the room in a kaleidoscope of colors and the music is so loud that he feels it in his chest, reminding him of how it felt to have a beating heart. He calls over the music that he’s going to the bar for a drink, watching Dylan make his way to a table.

“Double tequila, on the rocks and a lager.” Louis tells the bartender, looking around at the bodies that are sharing sweat, swapping spit and grinding to the thrum of the music when he sees him. Silence; nothing but the sound of his pounding heart; no one but him, and those watchful eyes, pleading with Louis to come to him. Louis shakes himself out of his stupor, turning back to the bartender as they set the drinks before Louis. “Cheers, mate.” He shouts, taking the drinks and making his way to Dylan, who takes notice of Louis’s mood shift.

“What is it?” He asks, accepting the beer from Louis and watching Louis drain his glass in 2.5 seconds.

“He’s here. _Fuck_ me, he’s here.” Louis squeezes his eyes shut. Dylan moves to sit beside Louis, ready to hold him if he needs it. “I need another drink then we dance. I want to lose him in the crowd.” Louis states, looking into Dylan’s eyes. Dylan nods, making his way to the bar to order Louis another tequila. Harry slides into the booth across from Louis, looking into those sea blues that have turned a dull grey. “What do you want?”

“I miss you.”

“That’s nice.” Louis answers, smiling up to Dylan as he hands him his glass. “Cheers, babe.” Louis answers, gulping down his fire water before taking Dylan’s hand in his own to drag him to the dancefloor, not missing the pain on Harry’s face. “Kiss me.” He tells Dylan, tearing his eyes away from Harry.

“W-what?”

“ _Distract_ me, please? Kiss me.” Louis begs, staring into those hazel eyes, receiving a small nod before he grasps Louis by the hips and connecting their lips. Louis realizes that he’s being petty, watching Harry’s reaction as he allows Dylan to lick into his mouth, but his heart is battered all because of the man that is watching them as though he’s plotting Dylan’s murder inside his mind. He wraps his arms around Dylan’s neck, pressing himself closer to him and tangling his fingers into his hair, letting himself get lost in the sensation of being wanted. All the while Harry watches on, feeling sick to his stomach. Zayn sits beside Harry, watching the scene before them.

“This is how it is every time we go out. Different person every time, but at the end of the night, I take him home and hold him while he cries for you.” Zayn shares, sighing. “You made him feel unwanted; that’s why he does it. He likes feeling desired.”

“Seems like he’s getting that.” Harry chokes, watching as Dylan’s hands move to grasp Louis’s ass, and Harry is all too familiar with the gasp that leaves Louis’s mouth when that happens. “I don’t know what to do.” He whines, watching Louis smirk over at Harry before sucking into the skin of Dylan’s neck, sending him a wink for good measure. “He’s doing it to hurt me.”

“Yeah, because _he’s_ hurting.” Zayn reveals, watching with sad eyes, knowing where this will end. “It’s the same dance. Make him realize that _you_ want him, that you _love_ him, too.” Zayn urges, nodding his head towards the dancefloor where Louis is now dancing with his back pressed into Dylan’s front. Harry nods, newfound determination as he watches Dylan’s hands drag down Louis’s chest to his hips, inching dangerously close to Louis’s dick. Harry makes his way to them on the dancefloor, pressing himself to Louis’s front, living in the way his eyes darken when he looks up at him.

“You look so beautiful, Lou. As always.” Harry leans down and whispers into his ear, smirking as he feels him shiver.

“I know. I’ve been told.” Louis smirks, reaching his arms up to wrap around Dylan’s neck all while looking into Harry’s eyes. “How’s single life treating you? Go back to your fuck buddy?” Louis spits, spearing Harry’s heart.

“No. _Very_ lonely. I miss you.” Harry admits, grasping Louis’s hips and tugging him to him, biting his lip at the electricity that shoots through his body as Louis’s body presses against his. “Every part of you. I miss you holding me; I miss your lips on mine; I miss feeling you, _every_ _inch_ of you.” Harry groans into Louis’s ear, living for the way that Louis seems to have forgotten anyone that isn’t Harry; clings to Harry like a second skin. “I miss how you fuck me; I miss your sinful mouth.” Harry groans, pressing himself into Louis, letting him feel how much he wants him. “More than that, I miss you loving me. Telling me that I’m beautiful; I miss seeing your gorgeous face in the morning; I miss hearing you tease me, hearing you laugh at something I said. I miss _you_.” Louis inhales, shakily, fingers digging into Harry’s shoulders. “Do you miss me, Lou?” He whines, nipping at the skin of Louis’s shoulder. Louis pulls out of Harry’s hold, face soaked with tears that Harry didn’t know were shed.

“I-I need to go.” Louis sniffles, making his way to the toilets, leaving Harry heart-broken and needy.

“ _Shit_.” Harry breathes, running his fingers through his hair out of habit. Zayn rushes over to him, asking where Louis went. “The toilets.” Harry replies, breathless as he watches Zayn track Louis down.

“You should’ve just let him go.” Dylan spits, glaring daggers at Harry.

“You’re a _rebound_ , or do you not understand that? He’s using you to feel wanted; I can make him feel wanted.” Harry spits.

“But you didn’t, which is why he’s seeking it from me.” Just as Harry is about to retort, he catches sight of Zayn ushering Louis out of the club with an arm around his shaking shoulders. Harry stands, rushing out of the club into the crisp night air, looking around for a sign of either man.

**Zayn** : going back to his place.

**Zayn** : come.

Harry hops into his own car and pushes the speed limit over to Louis’s home; heart fracturing for the reason Louis even had to get it. When Zayn lets him in, he looks frightened and more worried than he’s ever seen him; the fact that the other lads are here also doesn’t bode well for Harry’s own concern.

“Where—”

“ _Why_ , Niall? Why does he _keep_ doing this?! Why am I not good enough!? Why does he only want me when he’s _lonely_?! He’s supposed to _always_ want me! He’s supposed to _love_ me.” Harry hears Louis shouting from somewhere towards the back of the house, to the sound of glass shattering and things being thrown around. “I just want _him_ ; he’s _all_ I want.” Harry hears him hyperventilating, sounding so broken. “Why am I not enough?”

“Louis—” Harry starts, heart hurting as he sees Louis surrounded by broken bottles and framed photos of them together. His hands are bloodied, his face red. “Darling.” Harry whispers, taking a step forward, the sound of crunching under his boot is deafening.

“Why are you here?” Louis chokes, trying to keep up the façade of anger, but failing. “Do you just _live_ to hurt me, now?” Louis chokes, his eyes focused on a photo of them from their wedding, gently touching the photo as a sob rips out of his mouth. “Do you _like_ when I’m in pain?”

“ _No_ , baby. I want to take it away.” Harry avows, kneeling before him, praying that Louis’s ocean eyes will look up at him. Louis’s face crumples, pain making his hands shake. “Baby, it’s been _so_ hard for me. I miss you, so much, Louis. So much.”

“Then, _why_ leave?” Louis beseeches, finally looking up at Harry, his pain pouring out of him.

“I thought I was doing right by you, darling.”

“Doing _right_ by me? How is hurting me doing that, Harry?” Louis queries.

“Because I don’t deserve you, my darling. You’re too good for me.”

“But it’s _my_ decision, Harry. I miss you _so_ _fucking_ much; I’m drowning, Harry.” Louis clutches his heart like he could stop the pain from the outside. “I _need_ you; don’t you get it, yet?” Louis crawls over the glass to climb into Harry’s lap, his bleeding hands staining through Harry’s white blouse, but he could care less. Harry wraps his arms around Louis’s waist, pressing his face into Louis’s neck.

“I’m being selfish here, baby. I wanted to let you go and find someone who is as good as you, but I can’t Louis. I _hated_ seeing you kiss him; I couldn’t stand to see his hands on you, knowing exactly how you would react.” Harry whispers, both of them in their own worlds where each other is the only one there. They don’t even notice the lads, silently, watching on with hopeful eyes.

“ _Be_ selfish, then, baby! I don’t care that _you_ think you’re not worthy, because _I_ do. I only ever want _you_ , Haz.” Louis avows, sniffling, holding Harry close to him, afraid that if he lets go, Harry will disappear again.

“I just want you to find _your_ star, baby. Just because you’re _mine_ , doesn’t mean that I’m yours.”

“You _are_ , my Hazza. The brightest star in the _entire_ fucking universe, baby.” Louis is crying more, afraid that Harry is trying to talk himself out of staying with Louis.

“I miss you, so much, Lou.” 

“Then, stay with me.” Louis begs, pressing tear-stained kissed to Harry’s skin, wherever he can reach.

“Darling—”

“No, _stay_ , Harry. _Please_.” Louis takes Harry’s face in between his hands, pressing kiss after kiss to his lips. “ _Love_ me.” Louis beseeches, hiccupping as he kisses Harry. The lads would all be lying if they said that the sight before them didn’t break their hearts. To see this man that they’ve all admired, the man that has been stronger than anyone should ever have to be, the man with the loud personality, who is now begging to be loved and to let him love.

“Shh, no more tears, my Lou darling.” Harry coos, taking Louis’s face in between his own hands and brushing away his tears. There’s blood smeared onto Harry’s face, but he doesn’t seem to care in the slightest as he cleans Louis’s face of his tears. “I’m here, my love.”

“Forever?” Louis whispers, looking into Harry’s eyes.

“Even if I’m not here, I’m with you.” Louis doesn’t like that answer.

“I don’t want you to stay if you’re not going to be mine. My heart hurts too much, Harry.” Louis’s breathing is on the verge of hyperventilation, again. The lads are begging Harry to stay with Louis; praying that he won’t leave Louis, again.

“I’m not leaving, my darling. I’m staying right here in your arms.”

“You won’t leave?” Louis sniffles, searching for the answers in Harry’s eyes.

“I’ll be here for as long as you want me, my Lou.” Harry whispers, pressing his lips to Louis’s, tasting Louis’s tears on his tongue when he licks into his mouth.

“I want you _forever_ , Harry.” Louis whispers, pressing his forehead to Harry’s, hiccupping as he wraps his legs around Harry’s slim hips. “Have _always_ wanted you for all of my life, Harry.”

“Even after what I did?” Harry whispers, still hurting over the fact that he did that to his Louis.

“Even after. It’s been a year since you let me go but I couldn’t let _you_ go. Didn’t matter how many people I tried to distract myself with, it was _always_ you that I wanted at the end of the night.”

“You never—”

“Fucked anyone? No; tried, but it felt wrong. As soon as they’d touch my dick, I’d bolt.” Harry knows that he shouldn’t feel so relieved, but he is. “Kiss me, _please_? Harry, please?” Louis whimpers, tangling his fingers into Harry’s hair as he pulls himself impossibly closer. Harry kisses him softly, then licks across his lips before pressing his lips to his once more, nipping at his lower lip to request entrance. Louis sighs, his body melting into Harry’s hold as he licks into Harry’s mouth. It feels so good that Louis could cry.

“Let’s get this all cleaned up, my darling.” Harry whispers.

“We’ll do it. Go clean his cuts.” Zayn pipes in, shooing them towards the washroom. Harry nods, looking to Louis as he waits for him to stand. Louis is looking at Harry like he’s afraid he’ll disappear the moment they’re not touching and it hurts Harry. Harry wraps his arms around Louis’s waist as they walk into the washroom, Harry closing the door behind them as he gestures for Louis to sit on the counter. Louis is watching Harry’s every move, silent tears still dripping from his bloodshot eyes.

“Let me see those hands, my Lou.” Harry sighs, rummaging for a First-Aide kit.

“You’re really here?” Louis breathes, watching as Harry, gently, picks glass out of his hands. “I’m not dreaming?”

“I’m here, love.” Harry whispers, looking into Louis’s eyes, briefly before going back to taking fragments of glass out of Louis’s hands. He continues, no words shared for a while, until Harry turns on the tap and asks Louis to run his hand under the water for a quick moment.

“Have you been with anyone?” Louis asks, focusing on his blood swirling down the drain.

“No. Always thought about the chance that we’d end up back together, I didn’t want to mess up those chances.” Harry sighs, turning the water off to press a washcloth to Louis’s hands, gently drying them off before using a gauze soaked in rubbing alcohol to disinfect the cuts. He covers them in a triple antibiotic ointment before wrapping them in dry gauze. “Will you come home?”

“I don’t want to go back to that house, Harry, truthfully.” Louis answers, taking a shaky deep breath. “You were unfaithful to me in that house.”

“Right.”

“Can you stay here with me?” Louis asks, picking at his nails. Harry takes a hold of both of Louis’s hands, pressing his lips to them before nodding.

“I’d love to.” Louis’s shoulders sag in relief as he closes his eyes, chest aching at how much he’s missed Harry. “Let’s get you into something more comfortable.” Harry suggests. He can practically feel his pupils dilate when Louis strips down to his black briefs that leave nothing to the imagination. “Or you could do that, yeah, that’s an option.” Harry fumbles, suddenly breathless.

“You could, too.” Louis suggests, fidgeting and eyes never fully meeting Harry’s gaze, which Harry is not okay with. He steps up to Louis, tapping him beneath the chin.

“Look at me.” Harry orders in a soft voice, breath knocking out of him when Louis’s eyes meet his own. “Beautiful.” He breathes, attaching their lips in a sweet kiss that begins to drip with sin when Louis presses Harry back against the door, gasping into his mouth while his fingers grip onto Harry’s shirt. “I’ll meet you back in your room.” Harry informs, breathless, when Louis pulls away. Louis nods his head, back to being bashful which Harry thinks will always throw him off.

When Louis enters his room, Zayn is sitting on the edge of the bed, looking worried. The moment his eyes land on Louis, he leaps up and wraps his arms around Louis, squeezing him.

“I’m sorry, Louis. I didn’t know what else to do.” Zayn mumbles into Louis’s shoulder.

“What are you on about?”

“I told Harry where we were.” Zayn reveals. “If I had known how much it would hurt you—”

“No worries, mate. He’s staying, which wouldn’t have happened if not for you. Thank you, for everything, Z.” He says, hugging him tightly.

“Am I interrupting?” Harry’s deep voice asks from the doorway, eyeing the interaction with a raised brow. Louis flushes, shaking his head.

“You know it’s only ever been you.” Louis whispers, walking over to him, taking his hands to pull him to the bed. Zayn leaves the room without a word, a small smile of relief on his face as he closes the door behind himself. “You won’t leave?” Louis asks Harry as he turns the lights out, exhaustion taking a firm hold of his mind and body.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Harry promises, wrapping his arms around Louis as he lays his head on Harry’s chest. “I love you, Lou.”

“I love you, H.” Louis sighs, holding Harry as tightly as he can, afraid to close his eyes and lose any time with Harry. “Don’t let me go.” He whispers before falling asleep.

Harry is awoken to the feeling of lips on his chest; these are lips that he’s all too familiar with. He can feel Louis’s scruff brushing against his skin as he continues kissing across his chest. Harry watches Louis as his hand glides down Harry’s torso to toy with the waistband of his briefs. The second the moan leaves Harry’s lips, Louis is on top of him, knees digging into the mattress on either side of Harry’s hips, grinding his hips down against Harry’s rapidly growing erection.

“Lou, what—”

“Ssh…” Louis hums, continuing his grinding, his lips switching between kissing and sucking on Harry’s skin. “Just let me.” His voice sounds pleading as he kisses up to Harry’s mouth, licking across his lips while little whimpers leave his lips. While Louis kisses down Harry’s chest, looking into Harry’s eyes as he slowly pulls his briefs down, they hear commotion in the hall outside the bedroom.

“Where is he? Is he in there with him?” they hear, causing Louis to freeze his movements, looking up at Harry before Dylan and the lads barge into the room. “What the fuck?” Dylan spits, looking between Harry and Louis. “Y-you’re taking advantage of him.” He reasons.

“I’m the one on top of _him_ , D. You’re mental.” Louis quips, sitting back in Harry’s lap as Harry moves to sit against the headboard. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to check on you.”

“Well, if we didn’t call you, then you should’ve known that I was fine.” _That’s the Louis we all know and love_.

“I think you’re just jealous.” Harry spits, resting his hands against Louis’s hips. Dylan’s jaw clenches as do his fists and he looks ready to punch Harry.

“Louis, what are you doing?” Dylan asks, confusion and anger on his face.

“I was going to suck him off, but you interrupted.” Zayn, Liam and Niall burst into laughter.

“That’s such a Louis answer.” Niall cackles, loving seeing Louis starting to act like himself.

“After everything?” Dylan spits, looking like he wants to take Louis away from them all.

“He’s still my husband.” Louis shrugs, looking at Zayn.

“It’s time you leave, mate.” Zayn sighs, taking one of his arms while Liam takes hold of the other. He rips out of their grasp, looking into Louis’s eyes.

“I was there for you. It should be me.”

“It was Harry then and it’s Harry now. It will _always_ be Harry.” Louis shakes his head. “Thank you for all you’ve done for me, but it’s Harry.” Louis says, shrugging his shoulders with an apologetic look on his face.

“I don’t accept that.” 

“You don’t have a choice.” Louis answers more forcefully, becoming exhausted with this conversation. Dylan does something that lands a punch to his jaw; he steps forward and tugs Louis to him, pressing his lips to Louis’s and holding him to him with his hands pressed against Louis’s lower back. Harry shoves him away from Louis before his fist connects with the man’s brick of a jaw.

“ _Don’t_ touch him without his permission, again.” Harry spits, wrapping his arms around Louis. “ _Get_ _out_.”

“I told you my decision. Accept it or don’t, I could care less.” Louis says, breathless. They all watch him storm out of the room, punching the wall as he goes. “What the fuck, he bit me.” Louis winces, touching his lip where it’s slightly puffy and there’s a drop of blood leaking from it. Harry’s body feels hot as he grasps Louis’s chin between his fingers, pressing a soft peck to his lip before cupping his cheek.

“Are you alright, my Lou?”

“Yeah, just annoyed.” Louis sighs, rolling his eyes, making Harry smile. “What the fuck are you smiling at?” He quips, a small smile creeping onto his face.

“You just—you’re acting more like _you_. Even just a little bit is amazing.” Harry shakes his head with a smile on his face.

“ _Sap_ , come give me cuddle. I want to sleep.”

“You don’t want to finish what you started?” Harry teases, shutting the lights back off.

“Fuck off, the moment was ruined.” Louis scoffs, pressing a kiss to Harry’s arm as he wraps it around Louis. “Night, H.”

“Good night, Lou.” Harry sighs, content, as he presses a kiss to Louis’s shoulder.


	9. Struggles and Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Louis are working to mend their relationship; Louis can't help but wonder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song(s) for this chapter:
> 
> ETERNVL - Freaky Playlist s l o w e d (  
> *Playlist #1 for about half of the chapter  
> **This playlist doesnt really match the vibe of the beginning, but it's what i was listening to when i wrote it, soz.
> 
> ETERNVL - CLIMAX playlist s l o w e d   
> **Playlist for the last half of the chapter (where the smut starts)

Harry put up their old home on the market and is over there now to pack up some essentials before sending a moving crew for the rest. Liam and Niall accompany him, boxing their dishes and some framed photos, while Harry packs up his clothes and any toiletries he still has here.

“What about everything else?” Liam asks as they put everything into Harry’s Range Rover.

“Gonna sell it with the house.” Harry replies, eager to get back to Louis. His hands itch with how much he wishes Louis was in his arms right now.

“How has Lou been? It’s been weird for us to not see him frequently.” Niall announces. Harry gulps, a stab of hatred twisting in his gut at the memory of why they had to stay with him in the first place.

“Still has nightmares, occasionally, but they’re few and far between.”

“And?” Liam presses.

“When he’ll wake up from them, he’ll let me hold him, sometimes, but he’ll still look at me with this suspicion in his eyes. When I ask about it, he just tries to blow me.” Harry shrugs with a sigh.

“Do you let him?” Niall asks.

“No. I just ask him to let me hold him or to let me kiss him. He likes the reassurances. And when he sees me photographed with someone, even though he knows how it works, he still eyes me like I was just fucking them or something.”

“Mate, I’m sorry, that sucks, but you did bring it on yourself.” Niall shrugs, an apologetic look on his face.

“I know, I know. I just hope that I can get him to trust me again.”

“Baby steps, mate. He’s getting there. Be glad that he’s even letting you this close.” Liam voices.

“Yeah, I know. I’ll do whatever I have to for him.” Harry sighs, meaning it with his entire soul.

“And sex? Is it off the table?” Niall queries, awkwardly. Harry chuckles.

“He hasn’t really been able to get all the way there. We’ll get close, but then he—”

“Squeezes his eyes shut and clenches his jaw so hard that it looks like it’ll shatter?” Liam questions. Harry nods. “He did that when he’d wake up in the middle of the night, or anytime he was assaulted by the memories. Just give him some time.”

“I’m not worried about that; I just wish I could take it away from him.”

“It’s going to be hard, Harry. He heard it all, so all he thinks is that you gave someone who didn’t mean anything the very thing that you gave to him. That this same person has seen you the same way that he’s looking at you.” Liam reveals.

“But it’s not the same way; with him, it was just a fuck; with Louis, its _so_ much more. He looks at me like I’m everything to him, like I hang the stars just for him, as if I’m the most precious thing in the entire universe. It’s _love_.”

“Well, that’s because to Louis, it’s true. You are his everything. And he has to live with the fact that you gave his everything to someone who meant nothing.” Liam explains, breaking Harry’s heart and he’s glad they pull into Louis’s driveway at that exact moment because he needs his Louis in his arms before he breaks down. As soon as he turns the car off, he jumps out of the car and makes his way inside, finding Louis in the kitchen, a smile on his face as he sips his tea.

“Haz—” He starts but Harry’s lips cut him off. Harry cups his jaw and kisses him with everything he has, praying that Louis understands that he is Harry’s everything, too. “ _Hello_ to you, too.” Louis chuckles, pecking Harry’s lips before setting his mug down. “Are you alright, baby?” Louis asks, brow furrowing at the pain on Harry’s face. Harry shakes his head, choking on his words and on his tears.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Louis.” He inhales, deeply, looking into Louis’s eyes. “You’re my world, my entire fucking _universe_. I love you _so_ much, Louis. I’ll spend _every_ day of my fucking life proving to you that you are _my_ _everything_.” Louis wraps his arms around Harry, taking a deep breath as he listens to Harry’s erratic heartbeat. “I wish I could take this pain from you, my darling.”

“You are. A little bit every day, you take it away.” Louis reassures, pressing his lips to Harry’s once more and combing his fingers through Harry’s hair.

“You’re not just saying that?”

“No, my baby. It still hurts, I won’t lie to you, but it gets better every day. Each time you tell me that you love me; every time you touch me; when you kiss my hands and tell me that I don’t have to do anything after my nightmares. Especially, after my nightmares, when you just hold me and tell me how much I mean to you and say that I’m the most beautiful person to you, that you love me.”

“I mean every word.” Harry whispers, staring into Louis’s eyes.

“I mean, yeah, sometimes I have moments where I wonder, but you’re building up the trust, again. I’ll have a moment where I can’t help but wonder if it was something that I didn’t do, or if I could’ve done something differently to change it, but then you reassure me and give me no reason to not gift you my trust again.”

“Do you trust me?”

“I’m getting there, Haz. I know it’s not going to be the same; how can it be? I’m trying though, Harry.”

“So am I, darling.”

“I know.” Louis offers a small smile, before breaking the tension by pinching Harry’s ass and making his squeal in a very un-manly fashion.

They’re all seated in the den, watching the Avengers because it was Zayn’s turn to choose the movie when Louis gets lost. He’s sat, staring at the tv but not really seeing. He’s seeing that man, eyeing Harry like a piece of cake. He’s envisioning how it went down. Harry probably went to the club to blow off steam about the Eleanor situation; probably caught that man’s eye at the bar; he probably bought Harry a drink and flirted, charmed his way into Harry’s pants. He most likely bought Harry drink after drink, his goal to get Harry out of his clothes. He was most likely thrilled when Harry first showed an interest. They were probably messy as they kissed their way into the bedroom. Louis can feel Harry’s hand on his thigh, trying to coax Louis back to the present. Louis’s eyelashes flutter and he notices that his face is wet.

“Darling?” Harry queries, frowning as he looks at the pain on Louis’s face. Louis clears his throat, wiping his face as he looks between all of the lads, taking a deep breath.

“I need a moment.” He announces, walking out onto the deck in their backyard, pulling out a cigarette and shakily putting it between his lips. He closes his eyes as he inhales the nicotine, focusing on the way it burns rather than the way his heart burns. He’s thankful that they all give him a moment to collect himself, gather his thoughts all in neat piles before heading back in. “Sorry about that, lads.” He chuckles, dryly.

“No worries, mate. You alright?” Zayn asks, frowning as he takes in Louis’s glassy eyes and flushed cheeks.

“Yeah, I’m back, now.” Louis sighs, sitting back beside Harry, tucking himself into his side and grasping his face to press an indecent kiss to his mouth. _Mine_ ; he thinks, pulling away to look into Harry’s dazed eyes. “So, what now, boys? Shall we order in?” Louis asks, looking at all of their shocked faces.

“I’m up for it. What are you ordering?” Niall asks.

“Why don’t you choose, since Z picked the movie.” Louis shares, his hand gripping Harry’s thigh, possessively. _Mine_ ; he thinks once again.

“Louis, you’re too good to me.” Niall sighs, wiping away an invisible tear. Louis chuckles, rolling his eyes.

“Anything for you, Nialler.” Louis replies. Harry has buried his face in Louis’s neck, pressing kisses there and letting out small whimpers. Louis grips Harry’s thigh, tightly, in warning. “Harold, you are being inappropriate, babe.” Louis jests, earning chuckles all around.

“Want you.” Harry whispers, hotly, in Louis’s ear. Louis clears his throat and squirms in his seat.

“Be but a moment, lads.” Louis announces, grabbing Harry’s hand and tugging him towards their room and ignoring the wolf whistles. “Couldn’t wait a bloody moment?” Louis huffs, turning on Harry the moment the door is closed. Harry shakes his head, sucking a mark onto Louis’s collar bones. Louis is a panting mess by the time Harry has dropped to his knees. Louis wants it more than he wants anything, but that pesky voice pipes in just as Harry is about to reveal Louis to him. _I wonder if he sucked him off, too_ ; that annoying voice brings up. Louis, gently, pushes Harry away from him, sighing deeply and rubbing his face.

“Louis?” Harry calls, breathless.

“I’m seeing you with him.” Louis confesses, swallowing thickly.

“Let me help you, baby.” Harry soothes, sitting beside Louis and wrapping his arms around Louis, pressing kisses to the top of his head. “All I’m thinking of is you. Only want you, baby.” Louis wants to believe those words but all he can picture is how much more attractive he was.

“I think—I need you to tell me how it happened.” Louis sighs. Harry shakes his head.

“I don’t want to—”

“No, I need to. I’m picturing so much shit and I just want to know the truth.” Louis sighs, looking into Harry’s eyes. “I think that maybe if I know, then I’ll be able to move past it.” Louis clenches his jaw.

“Alright, darling. Can we do this later, though? When we come to bed.” Harry pleads, earning a nod from Louis. “I love you, Lou.” Harry whispers.

“I love you, too, H.” Louis sighs. “Can you tell Zayn to come here? I need to talk to him.” Louis requests, standing to put himself back into his jeans. Harry nods, pressing his lips together. Louis sits alone with his elbows on his knees. Zayn comes in a few minutes later, a frown on his face when he sees Louis’s pain. Zayn closes the door behind him, coming to sit beside Louis.

“What’s up, mate?” Zayn asks.

“I need to tell someone this.” Louis sighs, focusing on his fingers.

“Alright, Lou, you know you could tell me anything.”

“I keep getting caught up in my head; wondering things like how did it happen? What led up to it? What did he do with him? I want Harry; god, do I want him, but every time—”

“You keep thinking about it.” Zayn finishes, nodding his understanding. “So, what do you need?”

“I asked him to tell me what happened. I need to know so that I can move on from it. Right now, I know nothing, so my fucking brain is creating all of these different scenes.”

“Makes sense, I guess, but are you sure that you can take it?”

“I don’t know, mate. But how am I going to get over it if I don’t try?”

“Good point. Do you want me to stay for the night?”

“I was going to ask all of you.”

“Yeah, I got your back, Lou.” Zayn reassures, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “Ni ordered Chinese.”

“The man knows my comfort food.” Louis chuckles, standing up with Zayn and walking out to meet them all in the den. Zayn stops Louis from walking when he hears them talking, putting his finger to his lips to tell him to be quiet.

“I’m scared that he’ll never let me touch him, again.” Harry is saying.

“It’s going to take time, H. Give it to him.” Niall is advising.

“What do I do if he never gets over it?”

“That’s up to you, but I am warning you, Harry, don’t ever cheat on him, again. I mean it. I can’t see him that way, again.” Niall warns.

“I won’t.”

“If you ever get the desire to be with someone else, just leave him. He’ll hurt, but he’ll get over it.” Liam states, his own voice sounds like a warning, as well.

“I don’t want to do that to him, again. I wish I didn’t do it in the first place.” Harry sighs. Louis shakes his head, not wanting to hear anymore. He makes his way in, taking Harry’s hands and placing them around his waist as he climbs into his lap.

“Enough of that.” He demands, pressing a kiss to Harry’s lips. “I love you, Niall. Thanks for the Chinese.” Louis says, still looking at Harry, barking out a laugh at the shock on Harry’s face that Louis didn’t say he loved him. Niall laughs behind him.

“Love you too, Lou.”

“So, anyone ready to get wiped at FIFA?” Louis asks, looking back to the rest of the boys.

“I’ll take you up on that.” Niall announces, raising his eyebrows in challenge.

By the end of the night, they’re all a little more than tipsy and Louis is feeling incredibly affectionate. Louis is clinging to Harry like a second skin, which seems to bother Harry none. Harry carries Louis back to the bedroom, chuckling as Louis nibbles on his neck. Louis pulls Harry down on top of him when Harry tries to set him on the bed, causing the both of them to fall into a fit of giggles. Harry leans up on his elbows and gazes down at Louis; _Louis_ with his flushed cheeks and glossy eyes; _Louis_ with his pink lips and drunk smile.

“So beautiful.” He whispers, watching Louis shy away from the compliment but Harry won’t let him. He leans down and presses kisses onto every inch of Louis’s face, down his jaw, into the dips of his gorgeous collar bones, along the exposed part of his chest, then back up to Louis’s lips. He whispers it once again, “So beautiful, Lou.” His breath fans across Louis’s over heated skin as Harry’s lips brush against his own.

“Nothing compared to you, baby.” Louis responds, breathily. Harry shakes his head, a soft smile on his face. “As much as I’d like to kiss you until your lips are bruised, I believe there is a conversation to be had.” Louis sighs, closing his eyes.

“I hate that you’re right.” Harry groans, hiding his face in Louis’s neck. “Alright, up we go.” Harry sighs, moving to stand up. “I’m just going to get undressed really quick, then I’ll be ready.” Louis nods, pressing his lips together, his anxiety starting to creep up his throat. Louis stands and undresses down to his briefs, sitting with his legs crossed as he waits for Harry to emerge from the washroom. Harry comes back in to find Louis anxiously picking at his fingers. “Are you alright, Lou?” Harry ponders, sitting across from him, their knees touching.

“I’m nervous.” Louis admits, avoiding looking at Harry.

“I am, too.” Harry shares. Louis looks up at him with furrowed eyebrows.

“Why?”

“Well, I’m more scared than anything.” Harry reiterates. “Scared of hurting you. Scared that you’ll change your mind about me.” Harry confesses, chewing on the inside of his lip before taking a deep breath.

“I’m scared of you hurting me, too. Truthfully.” Louis reveals. “But I need to know, so that my mind won’t keep spinning.” Louis answers, clearing his throat before sitting up straighter. “Okay, let’s get this over with.” Louis sighs, looking Harry in the eyes.

“If you need me to stop, just tell me, okay?” Harry asks, taking Louis’s hands in his own to press his lips to his knuckles. He only receives a nod in response. “Alright. So, it was the night that you left for tour, but you already knew that. While I was waiting for you to call me, I had made the mistake of going through social media and I came across those videos and photos. It was just salt in the wound, honestly. I needed to get out.” Harry starts, looking down at Louis’s hand, squeezing his own.

“How I figured it started.” Louis shares, pressing his lips together and taking in another deep breath.

“So, I went out to a club with Mitch and while he was gone at the toilets, Jacob approached me. He was funny and charming. Kept telling me that I was pretty and complimenting me left and right. He bought me a few drinks, as I’m sure you’ve probably gathered.”

“So far its exactly as I envisioned it.”

“He asked me to dance; Mitch tried to tell me not to do it, said that I was being petty and I would ruin our relationship, but I was too drunk to care. And all I could think of were her hands on you, so I danced with him.” Harry looks down at their joined hands, his throat closing up at sharing this with him. He can hear Louis’s shuttered breaths. “We danced for a while, and when I started to get tired, I told him that I was going to go home, thanked him for the drinks and was really about to leave, but he grabbed my hand and asked me to stay for one more drink.” Harry feels his gut twisting, uncomfortably, at the way Louis is clenching on his hand.

“Guess my brain wasn’t too far off.” Louis whispers, his voice sounding thick with emotion. “Go on.”

“I agreed for only one more, which turned into three. Then, he kissed me.” Harry takes a deep breath before continuing. “I was too drunk to pull away and it felt good.” Harry looks up to Louis and sees the pain in his face; his eyes shut while the tears drip down his cheeks, his throat bobbing as he swallows. “Again, Mitch tried to slap some sense into me, but I was too far gone. I just ignored him and went back to Jake. I let him kiss me and touch me like no one was watching, then he suggested we take it back to my— _our_ —place.” Louis squeezes Harry’s hand, painfully, hard. “He was touching me the entire drive there, whispering how good he would make me feel.”

“Give me a second, please.” Louis whimpers, tugging his hands away from Harry to wipe his face and take a deep breath. “Can we finish this on the patio? I need a smoke.” Louis requests with his eyes averted from Harry, yet again.

“Yeah, anything you want.” Harry answers, watching Louis walk out of their room in a fast pace, like he’s trying to get away from Harry, so he lets him, if only for a moment. When he meets Louis on the patio, he’s already smoking and there are tears spilling down his cheeks. “Lou?”

“Continue.” Louis says around the smoke.

“Okay. We get into the house and I remember that I’m married and that what I was doing was wrong. I tried to stop, but he told me that what you didn’t know, wouldn’t hurt you. And he was so…charming. He was touching me in all the right ways and saying all of the right things. By the time we got to the room, you weren’t even a thought.” Harry hates confessing that, but he knows that he needs to be open. Louis scoffs, nodding his head as his tears continue to spill.

“What did you do with him, Harry?” Louis asks, chain-smoking as soon as he’s done with his cigarette. “Did you blow him? Did he blow you?”

“No, none of that. He just fingered—"

“That much I knew.” Louis spits, keeping his eyes on the burning at the end of his cigarette.

“He left immediately after. Once I was alone, again and my mind was cleared of the post-orgasmic haze, I realized what I’d done. I threw up all night that night.” Harry wants Louis to look at him; wants him to tell him that everything will be okay, but Harry knows that he doesn’t deserve that. “I knew something was wrong when I called you and you didn’t want to talk. I knew something was wrong when you got home and wouldn’t look at me or hold me. I knew something was wrong when I blew you and I saw your eyes full of tears. I just wanted to pretend that I didn’t do what I did. I told myself that if I acted like everything was normal, then it would be.” Harry wipes his own tears. “Then, you told me that you knew. That you heard everything and I never hated myself more.” Harry chokes on his tears as he watches Louis look up to the stars.

“Is that all?” Louis asks, biting down on his bottom lip.

“He tried to contact me, after you left me. Before you tried—”

“To kill myself? The first time or second time?” Louis spits. Harry winces.

“The first time.”

“What did he want?”

“Another round. I blocked him, but then he showed up.”

“Right.” Louis sounds angry and hurt; Harry wishes he could take it all away. “That’s everything?” Louis whispers, looking over at Harry, who nods. “Alright, well I need a moment. Can you leave me, please?”

“You want me to leave?” Harry feels short of breath, his chest squeezing, painfully.

“No, just send one of the lads, please.” Harry hurts that Louis still won’t look at him, but he knows why. Louis breaks down and lets out quiet sobs the moment Harry walks inside. He wraps his arms around his legs, staring out at the vast darkness that stands before him as his lungs fight for oxygen. When he feels a hand on his back, he knows without looking that it’s Zayn.

“Want to talk about it?” he asks, taking out his own pack of cigarettes to light up.

“Everything that I thought, it was exactly how it happened. The worst bit was that he said he wasn’t thinking of me when it happened. I wasn’t even in his mind while he let this _Jake_ fuck him in our bed.” Louis chuckles, ruefully, swallowing past the lump in his throat. “At least, now I know. I don’t have to keep wondering.”

“Doesn’t make it hurt any less, though, does it?”

“Not in the slightest. It just makes me wonder what was it about him that made Harry forget that he had me? What did he have that was so powerful that all of these years with me just flew out of his mind?” Louis chokes out, his breaths coming in short gasps, now. “I get that he was beautiful, that he had a nice body, but is that really all it takes? If so, then what’s stopping him from doing it again?” Louis can feel the panic setting in.

“You can’t think like that, babe. You’ve just gotta focus on the now.”

“It’s hard, Z. I mean—”

“You’re spiraling, love. Take a breath for me, yeah?” Zayn coaxes. Louis nods as he inhales deeply. “There’s a good lad. Now go on.”

“It was a massive hit to my self-confidence, Z. You know that I’ve always struggled with that, and this just doesn’t help.”

“I know, love, but what are you going to do? Are you going to let this wanker take away the man you’ve loved for a decade, or are you going to fight?” Zayn poses, and when put that way, Louis only sees one option.

“There’s no other option.”

“Which is what?” Zayn queries, a smirk on his face because he knew that challenging Louis would get him on the right track.

“Remind him that I’m better.” Louis shrugs, taking a deep breath and wiping his hands down his face.

“How do you plan on doing that?”

“If all goes well, you’ll hear it tonight.” Louis jokes, pulling a chuckle and an eyeroll from Zayn. “Let’s just hope that I can push those thoughts out of my head.” Louis sighs, rapidly losing confidence.

“Stop sitting here and talking yourself out of it; get your arse in there and show Harry what he was risking when he cheated.” Zayn orders, grasping Louis’s hands to tug him up into an embrace, before pushing him towards the door with a smack on Louis’s bum.

Louis finds Harry sitting on the edge of the bed, elbows resting on his knees and his head in his hands. Louis knows that Harry is remorseful, and that helps the situation a little bit, but his heart still clenches and twists at the thought that someone that Harry didn’t even know was able to get him the way that Louis had him; it still makes his throat burn with jealousy that Harry would give himself away knowing that he is Louis’s entire world. He can’t let that stop him, though. He needs Harry to remember why Louis is the only one to touch him that way; he needs Harry to only ever be able to think about Louis’s fingers touching him, inside and out; Louis wants Harry to feel Louis imprinted in his damned body. It wasn’t before, but he’ll makes sure of it, now. Harry looks up at the sound of the door shutting; his brows furrow at the sight of Louis locking it, and his lips part in anticipation of what is to come when Louis saunters up to him and takes a firm hold of his face to smash his lips down on top of Harry’s. Harry gasps into Louis’s mouth, but is quick to return his enthusiasm. When Louis pulls away, he is staring into Harry’s eyes with determination and lust.

“When I’m done with you, you won’t be able to think of _anyone_ other than me; you won’t be able to _feel_ anyone other than me.” Louis growls, eyes still locked on Harry’s; his words sending a pleasant tingle down Harry’s spine. “I want it to feel as though I am imprinted inside of you, tattooed against your insides. Got it?” Harry nods in response, breathless. “Now, baby, _undress_.” It’s an order, one that Harry is all too happy to comply with. “You said that I wasn’t even in your mind when he fucked you, but baby, by the end of tonight, I will be _all_ that is _ever_ on your mind. I’m going to make you remember why you wanted it to only ever be me.” Harry watches with hungry eyes as Louis peels his briefs down his toned legs. Harry feels his body heat up at the sight of Louis crawling between his legs, his fringe falling into his eyes and the muscles in his arms and chest impossibly prominent. Harry groans at the thought of what Louis’s back must look like as he holds himself up between Harry’s legs. Louis reaches into his bedside table, grabbing the lube and smirking at Harry’s expectant expression. “Tell me, Harry, did you let him in bare?” Louis queries, eyeing Harry as he uncaps the bottle. Harry shakes his head, vigorously, chewing on his bottom lip. “Good.” Louis answers, squeezing lube onto his fingers before circling them against Harry’s over heated skin, making him gasp at the coldness. Louis leans down to attach his lips to the center of Harry’s chest, sucking a vicious mark into the skin. He pops off, his lips swollen and deliciously pink. He smirks up at Harry as he pushes his first digit inside, straight to the knuckle, attaching his lips to Harry’s neck to suck another angry mark. “How would you like that, my pretty baby? Hm? To have my cock imprinted all the way inside you? Right here?” Louis whispers against the sensitive skin, pushing his fingers deeper and pressing against his stomach, between his hips. Harry can’t help the guttural moan that leaves his lips at that. “Yeah?” Louis whispers, licking across Harry’s throat to mark the other side of his neck as he pushes in the third finger. Harry whines at the burn of him stretching open.

“ _Louis_.” Harry whines, pressing his hips down to take more. Louis smiles against his skin, kissing down Harry’s chest to suck marks all over his torso. “ _Please_.” Harry, breathily, pleads.

“What, baby? Can’t you take it?” Louis teases, pressing his own leaking erection against Harry’s inner thigh, smirking at the look in Harry’s eyes as he stares at it. “You see, I don’t think you’ll remember me if I give in.” Louis raises a brow, taking his fingers out of Harry and smirking at the gasp that leaves Harry’s lips. Louis kisses between Harry’s hips, sucking marks on his hip bones before kissing Harry’s inner thighs, sucking marks there as well. “Can you handle this, Harry?” Louis breathes against Harry’s skin, looking up at him. Harry’s pupils are blown out, his cheeks flushed. He looks fucked, but Louis is nowhere near to being finished. Before Harry can answer, Louis’s tongue is inside him, sending Harry’s eyes to the back of his head and his fingers clutching the sheets. A moment later, Louis’s fingers join the assault, and it’s becoming too much, especially when Louis reaches up to start slowly pumping him.

“ _Louis, Louis, Louis_ —” Harry is panting, and he honestly thinks that Louis’s name might be the only word that he can remember.

“Mm, _close_.” Louis hums his approval before swallowing around Harry without warning. Harry is trying to hold off, but Louis isn’t making it easy. “Go on, then. Give it to me.” Louis orders, his voice sounding disinterested but the way his eyes look and how hard he is lets Harry know it’s all a front. The moment Louis swallows around him again, Harry is done for, coming endlessly down Louis’s throat. He pulls up, kneeling between Harry’s legs and slicking himself up before pressing into Harry without warning. Louis groans as soon as his hips touch Harry’s ass, his face pressing into Harry’s neck. “Fucking _heaven_ , baby.” Louis groans. “Are you okay?” He asks, pulling his face out of Harry’s neck to look at his face.

“Mm, yes. _Please_.” Harry moans, wrapping his legs around Louis, his feet resting against Louis’s slightly sweaty calves, his hands pressing into Louis’s shoulder blades. Louis pulls out, slowly, before thrusting back into him, hitting his prostate dead on, making Harry cry out. “ _Fuck_!” He gasps, tightening his hold on Louis.

“That’s the idea, baby.” Louis moans into Harry’s skin, kneeling up and grasping Harry’s hips, only Harry’s upper back resting against the bed as Louis assaults Harry’s prostate. Harry could finish for a second time just by looking at Louis in all his sweaty and taut muscled glory. “Can you feel me here, baby?” Louis groans, pressing against Harry’s stomach as he thrusts, causing more friction.

“Louis, oh fuck _me_.” Harry begs. Louis chuckles, breathily.

“Use me, Harry. Ride me.” Louis groans, pulling out to position himself beside Harry, back rested against the headboard, gesturing to his hard cock, standing proud and leaking. Harry licks his lips as he crawls over to straddle Louis’s lap, reaching behind himself to direct Louis back inside him. He lets out a long, breathy moan when he’s completely seated. “That’s it, princess. _Perfect_.” Louis hisses, gripping Harry’s hips so tight that he’s sure he’ll be sporting bruises there, but that only makes Harry harder. He rolls his hips, loving the way Louis’s eyes flutter shut and his mouth drops open in pleasure. “ _So_ fucking good, baby.” Louis praises, stroking Harry’s ego.

“So _big_ inside me, Lou. So hard for me.” Harry pants, switching between bouncing and rolling his hips. One of his hands is perched on Louis’s thigh while the other grips Louis’s shoulder, using it as leverage to ride him more forcefully. “Feels _so_ good, Lou. Oh, _fuck_!” Harry moans, leaning forward to sloppily kiss Louis, who is moaning into Harry’s mouth.

“Come on, baby. Give it to me; come for me.” Louis groans, planting his feet on the bed to thrust deeper and harder into Harry, hitting his prostate with every thrust. Harry leans forward to tongue at Louis’s sweaty collar bones, letting Louis fuck into him, groaning at the delicious drag of his skin inside him. Harry digs his teeth into Louis’s shoulder when he feels the pull at the bottom of his spine, tingling in between his thighs, his stomach tightening.

“Oh, Lou, Lou, _Louis_ —holy _fuck_ , Lou! I-I-I’m—oh _fuck_ me _right_ there— _Louis_!” Harry groans, painting both of their chests in his second orgasm of the night, Louis following a second later. After they’ve come down, Harry kneels up, wincing as Louis pulls out, looking down at his fucked-out husband.

“Thinking of me, _now_?” Louis quips, a brow raised as he looks over at Harry’s messy chest.

“ _Lou_.” Harry sighs, eyes fluttering shut.

“Can’t remember how to speak?” Louis teases, pressing his finger into one of the marks he made on Harry’s skin. Harry shakes his head. “ _Good_.” Louis mutters, pressing a kiss to Harry’s jaw. He stands from the bed to walk into the wash room, retrieving a wash cloth that he wets with warm water before coming back to find Harry in the same spot that Louis left him in. He wipes off Harry’s chest before cleaning himself. “I’m going to go get some water.” Louis tells him, pressing a kiss to his temple, then pulls his briefs up. He makes his way to the patio to have a smoke before getting the water, being met with a smug Zayn.

“So, went well?”

“Mm, he can’t even speak.” Louis replies with a smirk.

“That what you wanted?”

“Fuck yes. Only word he can say now is my name.” Louis stamps his cigarette out then stands to retrieve the bottles of water. “Sorry if we kept you up.”

“Are you?” Zayn asks, raising a brow and laughing when Louis shakes his head.

“ _Lou_.” Harry whines, walking into the kitchen wrapped in their comforter before wrapping himself around Louis and burying his face into Louis’s neck. 

“You weren’t joking.” Zayn snickers, shaking his head. Louis only shrugs, walking Harry back into their room, climbing in beside him and wrapping his arm around his petite waist.

“Now, maybe you’ll think twice when you see something pretty.” Louis whispers against Harry’s neck, before they fall into a post orgasmic coma.

Louis is awoken the next morning by Harry’s warm mouth on his cock, slowly hardening inside Harry’s mouth. His eyes are barely open, but he can see the lust in Harry’s eyes as he takes Louis in. Louis presses his head further into the pillow, eyes closed as he groans, weakly at the warmth of Harry’s wet mouth. Harry takes one of Louis’s hands and places it in his hair.

“Fuck my mouth, Lou.” Harry whispers; Louis could’ve come from that statement alone. He complies, taking a light hold of Harry’s hair and thrusting, softly into Harry’s mouth, moaning, breathlessly as Harry hums around his length. Louis finishes quick, collapsing, boneless, into the mattress. “ _Mm_ , thank you.” Harry hums, lying back beside Louis.

“You are the very image of sin.” Louis groans, an arm thrown over his eyes. “Shower with me.” Louis states, looking over at his rosy cheeked husband.

“Love to.” Harry hums, pressing a kiss to Louis’s mouth before climbing out of the bed, extending a hand to Louis. Harry starts the water for them, turning back to Louis to lazily kiss him, pulling him into the hot spray without detaching their lips. Louis kisses down his throat, taking a hold of Harry’s length to pump him slowly. “ _Lou_.”

“My turn.” Louis mutters, dropping to his knees to lick and play with Harry’s length. “So pretty.” Louis whispers, pressing kisses to Harry’s hips before swallowing his length, loving the feeling of every vein and the salty taste of his pre-come. In no time at all, Harry is moaning while coming deep into Louis’s mouth, his moans echoing in the steamy washroom. “Mm, morning.” Louis hums, turning his back to Harry to grab the shower scrunchie, squeezing Harry’s new vanilla body wash on to it, turning back to him to start washing Harry’s chest, admiring every mark he left on his beautiful skin. “Mm, I like these.” Louis mutters with a smirk, gesturing for Harry to turn around so he could wash his back.

“Lou?” Harry says, turning his face to he can look towards Louis.

“Hm?”

“ _You_ are my something pretty.” Harry says, referring to what Louis said last night. Louis only rinses the soap out of the scrunchie, hangs it back on the hook, then grabs Harry’s shampoo, pouring some into his hands and combing his fingers into Harry’s hair, smiling softly at the content hum that comes from Harry. Harry returns the favor, washing Louis and handing him a towel as they step out. When he catches sight of himself, he gasps. “Holy fuck!” He shouts, staring at the marks.

“There’s more between your thighs, too.” Louis reminds, smug, proud of himself. “Now, anyone that tries to get your clothes on the floor, they will see that you belong to someone.” Louis shrugs, walking away and leaving Harry staring at the marks in awe. When they make their way out to the den, Zayn snickers, looking at the marks on Harry’s neck.

“Don’t even say anything.” Harry groans, hiding behind his hands.

“There’s more; his chest, his hips, his thighs. I’m sure there are bruises in the shape of my fingers on your hips, too.” Louis boasts, chuckling at the embarrassment on Harry’s face. “Told you that I’d tattoo myself into you.”

“You did.”

“Can you feel me?” Louis queries, eyes roaming down Harry’s chest.

“We’re still here!” Niall shouts.

“Yeah, didn’t miss this part.” Liam groans. “We’re going out to breakfast, you twats joining?”

“Yeah, I’m famished.” Louis says, winking at Harry, who seems to never be able to stop blushing. “What about you, princess?” Louis asks, watching as the pet name makes Harry’s breath stutter and his lip gets caught between his teeth. “I’d like to take you out to show off your pretty marks.”

“We can’t—” Harry starts, making Louis’s face fall at the reminder.

“Right. We’ll stay here.” Louis sighs, resting his head against the back of the couch in exasperation.

“Later, lads. Don’t do anything to fuck this up, Harry.” Zayn calls over his shoulder.

“I’ve experienced the pain of you leaving me once and I don’t ever want to feel it again. I’ll never make that mistake, again.” Harry promises, straddling Louis’s lap, his body already heating up at Louis’s gaze and the way his hands grip the tops of his thighs. “I’ll never look twice at anyone that isn’t you.”

“I hope so, Harry, but I intend to give you a good reminder every day. So good that you can only say my name.” Louis states, hunger and possessiveness dancing in his eyes. “Got that?”

“Yes, Lou.” Harry breathes. With that, Louis touches up that tattoo deep inside Harry, imprinting the shape of his cock inside Harry. _He’ll never have the time to think of anyone else_ ; he thinks as they clean themselves.


	10. Renewed Vows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Louis renew their vows; really fluffy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song(s) for the chapter:
> 
> Zayn - River Road  
> Zayn - Better
> 
> **Also, i'm aware that this chapter is short and many apologies for that.

“And you talked to him?” Louis asks, breathless with nerves that he only experienced once in his life and that was on his first wedding. He can practically see Liam roll his eyes through the phone.

“Yes, Louis. He’s right here, smiling like an idiot because he knows that you’re freaking out over nothing.” Liam sighs.

“And he talked with Gem and Anne?”

“Yes.” 

“What about the caterer? He called—”

“Louis, my darling, everything is taken care of. Calm down and just get your beautiful self here.” Harry says, chuckling.

“Alright, baby. See you soon.” Louis sighs in relief.

“I love you.”

“I love you so much more.” Louis sighs, ending the call and handing his phone over to a smirking Zayn. “Oh, piss off, would you?” Louis rolls his eyes but he still has a smile on his face.

“Ready to get married to the same man, again?”

“More than ready.” Louis sighs.

Two years after Harry’s infidelity, Harry had the brilliant idea to renew their vows. He said that he broke them once, so he wanted to vow himself to Louis again for a fresh start. Louis had rolled his eyes, fondly, telling Harry that he didn’t need to do that, but Harry had insisted. Told Louis that it would be good for his conscience. He also thought it would be good to tell his mother and Gemma how he had failed Louis. He said that it was to completely clean his slate, didn’t want it to loom over them like some dark cloud that could implode any moment; would rather they know the truth. They were disappointed, which hurt Harry a great deal, but Harry was prepared for it. They had both embraced Louis and apologized for Harry’s indiscretions, which Louis had brushed off and told them that they got through it. They both said that they wouldn’t have blamed him at all if he chose to leave Harry. They decided to share Louis’s attempts at suicide as well, which brought tears and a lecture. So, Louis agreed to the vow renewal. Which is how Louis found himself here, palms sweating as Zayn drives them from the hotel to Harry and Louis’s home.

“Why are you so nervous? You’ve already married him.” Zayn asks, an amused look on his face.

“Because what if he backs out? What if he changes his mind at the last second and I’m left looking like a bloody idiot?” Louis panics, wiping his sweaty hands on his deep green-almost-black slacks.

“Well, then he’d have to divorce you because you’re still married.” Zayn teases, earning an incredulous look from Louis.

“Are you joking?!” Louis shouts, entertaining Zayn further. When they pull into the drive, Louis is all too quick to run out of the car to find Harry, but is stopped by Liam and Niall.

“He’s in there, waiting for you. You can calm down.” Niall says, hands on Louis’s shoulders.

“He’s waiting?” Louis asks, receiving nods from both men. “He didn’t run?” he queries, earning head shakes. “Oh, thank _fuck_.” He sighs.

“Let’s get you out there to wait for your bride.” Niall jokes, but Louis only frowns. “You’ll see.” Niall says by way of explanation, winking.

The time finally arrives for Harry to join him at their alter of sunflowers and daffodils. The crowd all stands and Louis’s can feel his heart fighting to free itself of its cage behind Louis’s ribs. Then he sees him, his arm linked through Anne’s, looking beautiful in a gown. It’s in the same shade of blue as Louis’s eyes with white tulle, making him look radiant. Louis can feel his eyes water, pride bursting out of his body as his baby makes his way to him for the second time. When he makes it to Louis, it’s with a bright smile and shining eyes.

“So beautiful.” Louis breathes, looking at Harry and his heart stops for a beat at the blush on Harry’s cheeks.

“Nothing compared to you, darling.” Harry replies, stepping up in front of Louis and taking his hands in his own. “You like it?” Harry asks, looking down to his gown.

“You look absolutely breathtaking, my baby. I’m so lucky to be marrying you for the second time.” Louis responds, eyes watering at the sight before him.

“Shall we begin?” Zayn asks, having been ordained after Louis insisted that he be the one to marry them, since he was there for Louis when he needed him most. Both men nod. “Alright then. Today we are all here to witness these two men promise themselves to each other for the second time. They’ve had a hard time these past few years, as we are all aware, but they wanted to start fresh so they chose to re-marry each other. Luckily, I don’t have to speak much because they prepared vows, so—” Zayn clasps his hands before himself gesturing to Harry to start.

“Hi, Lou.” Harry says breathily, a smile on his face that Louis returns. _God, the light is hitting him just right, he was right about the sunset_ ; Louis thinks as he stares into Harry’s green eyes, glittering in the late afternoon sun.

“Hi, Harry.”

“So, I really messed up; everyone here knows just how badly. That was the worst mistake of my life; I had never wanted to be struck by lightning more than I did in that moment. Except maybe when I found out you tried to end your life because of me; then again when I saw you on the overpass—” Harry takes a deep breath. “But by some miracle, you found it in yourself to forgive me, to give me another chance. I can’t imagine a life without you in it, Lou, because you _are_ my life. I hate myself for what I did to you, and I’m certain that I will always hate myself for it, but I am the _luckiest_ man to have you by my side. I wanted to do this because I needed to promise this to you again; I take you to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, and Louis, I will cherish you _forever_. I won’t say until death do us part, because even in death, Lou, I will be _yours_. You upheld your vows even when I didn’t, but I swear to you, I will do better this time around.” Harry vows, staring deeply into Louis’s eyes. Liam passes Harry the ring—a simple silver tungsten band with the inscription, ‘ _my something pretty’_ , inside the band. Louis sniffles with a chuckle, wiping at his eyes before beginning his vows.

“You’ve got a way with words, Haz.” Louis chuckles, again. “Harry, love, you shattered me; completely and truly shattered my heart and soul. So much so that I thought death was better than hearing that on a loop in my mind, because without you, it felt like there as no _me_. You were my everything before, and you are now. You were my morning and my night, so my being felt just _useless_ afterwards. Then, you came back into my life and I knew that I couldn’t— _wouldn’t_ leave you. I hold you inside my heart, because you _are_ my heart, and it’s _only_ for you. I took you back into my arms because I could see how much you meant the words you told me. For the rest of our lives, Harry, my baby, I will love you and hold you through good times and bad, I will be there to lift your spirits when you’re down, I will be there to remind you of why we are _meant_ to be.” He takes a deep breath; sniffles can be heard all around. “For the rest of our lives, my baby, I will be _yours_ , in sickness and in health, richer or poorer, for better and for worst. Baby, even if you decide that you are tired of me and want out, I’ll love and cherish you from afar and pray that whoever you choose after me will do the same. I love you, Harry. You’re my today, my tomorrow and my forever.” Louis finishes, slipping the silver band with diamond inlays and the inscription, _my everything_ , right onto Harry’s finger, raising his hand up to press a kiss to it.

“Alright, both of you suck.” Zayn says, shakily, wiping tears from his eyes, making everyone laugh. “Kiss each other and be married again, damn it.” He says, wiping away more tears. Louis rests his hands against Harry’s slim hips while Harry cups Louis’s jaw, before their lips meet and it is always fireworks.

“I love you so much, Lou. I’ll be better this time.”

“You’ve already proven yourself to me, baby.” Louis reassures, pecking Harry’s nose. “You are truly stunning, my princess.” Louis hums.

“Thank you, Lou.” Harry whispers, but then they’re being pulled into embraces, never letting anyone disentangle their locked fingers.

They dance until late into the night, holding onto each other whenever they make their way back into each other’s arms. By the end of the night, Louis is more than ready to leave with Harry onto the second honeymoon. He looks on from afar as Zayn speaks with his husband, feeling more at peace with the world than he has felt in a long time.

“You’ve earned him and I’m sorry about—” Zayn starts, being interrupted by Harry’s shake of the head and smile.

“You were protecting him, thank you.” Harry wraps Zayn in an embrace. “For doing what I couldn’t.”

“Just don’t fuck this up, again.”

“Never again.”


	11. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The honeymoon; WARNING: Smut & fluff; fluff & smut (as a honeymoon should be)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song(s) of the chapter:
> 
> Zayn - windowsill  
> Doja Cat - candy
> 
> ETERNVL - CLIMAX playlist s l o w e d   
> ** I'm aware that i've used this playlist before, but it is just so good to listen to while writing smut
> 
> Zayn - sweat  
> Zayn - when love's around

It was as if a livewire had struck them both the moment they got into the car. Louis’s hands were in Harry’s hair, carelessly disheveling it and by the moans that are being swallowed by Louis’s mouth, Harry doesn’t really care. Harry has one hand down the front of Louis’s slacks, both of their eyes locked on Harry’s hand as he strokes Louis into desperation. Louis rests his head against the headrest, blessing the stars that there is a partition and that they’re not scarring the poor chauffeur. Harry’s lips latch onto the sensitive skin below Louis’s ear, his breaths tickling his skin and his hand down the front Louis’s slacks is squeezing him, preventing the orgasm that is racing to the finish line.

“Harry.” He groans, eyes shut tight, his face hot and his body even hotter. Harry chuckles against Louis’s skin, causing the smaller man to roll his eyes. “Fine, want to be a little tease—” Louis starts, taking a firm hold of Harry’s hair in one hand and slowly, so slowly, raising his dress to reveal a pretty pair of lace panties in the same shade of blue. “God damn it.” Louis groans, involuntarily grinding into Harry’s hand.

“Mm, you like?” Harry asks, his deep voice a contrast to the way he looks—so petite and gorgeous in his dress and panties.

“Fucking _love_ it, baby.” Louis takes a firm hold of Harry’s wrist, taking a deep breath through his nose. “Please—Hazza, _fuck_ — _please_ , I need you to stop.” Louis begs, his arousal so thick that it’s damn near blinding. Harry must see it in Louis’s eyes because he pulls his hand out of Louis’s trousers, biting his lip as he eyes the very obvious bulge in Louis’s slacks.

“Mm, this drive needs to hurry up.” Harry hums, licking across his lips as he eyes Louis like the most delicious meal that he’d ever laid eyes on. And as if the universe was granting them their wish, they arrive at the airport. Louis adjusts himself in his trousers, taking a deep breath then climbing out to take hold of Harry’s hand. “I love you, Lou.” Harry whispers as soon as he’s standing beside Louis.

“I love you, too, but why whisper?” Louis queries, tugging Harry towards the private jet that they rented for the special occasion.

“Because I’m saving my voice for when I shout it to the universe as you love me so hard that I can’t feel my legs.” Harry nibbles on Louis’s shoulder as they board the small plane. Louis’s knees nearly buckle underneath him at that.

“ _Fuck_ _me_.” Louis whispers, placing his dark green-almost-black blazer on one of the seats, shaking his head at the smirk on Harry’s face.

“Oh, I’m hoping I get the chance to at least once on this honeymoon.” Harry cheeks, taking his change of clothes to the airplane bathroom, Louis’s eyes burning a path of blazing lust up Harry’s back.

The pair of them lie on one of the cream-leather couches, playing games and trying to keep their hands to themselves, but Louis is finding it increasingly difficult. The way Harry keeps playing with his lips, how his chest and biceps look in the white shirt and those trousers were made to give Louis a heart attack—loose enough to be considered obscene but fitting Harry’s hips like a glove. Louis finds himself imagining unbuttoning those black trousers, fantasizes about dropping to his knees to palm Harry through his lace panties, and has to readjust when Harry steps away to retrieve another game because good God Almighty, those fucking trousers hug him in all the right places and Louis might just have an orgasm simply by _looking_ at him.

“Lou?” Harry calls, a smirk on his face as he takes in Louis’s glazed over eyes and flushed complexion. “Do you want to watch a movie?” He asks again, shaking his head at the nod he receives. “What about a glass of water?” Harry suggests, just for another reason to tease Louis, seeing how tightly he’s got his fists clenched tells Harry all he needs to know.

“That would be wonderful, lovely. I’m _parched_.” Louis answers, playing along as he leans back against the couch, arms stretched along the back with his knees spread. He relishes in the way that Harry’s breath stutters and he takes his lower lip in between his teeth.

“Right.” Harry answers, clearing his throat and shaking his head to clear it of the lustful fog. “How much longer until we get to LA?”

“Another 7 hours.” Louis answers, watching the way Harry’s muscles work underneath his shirt, chewing on his own lip as Harry turns back to him, handing him the glass of chilled water. “Mm, thanks, princess.” Louis hums, reaching for the glass, taking a sip then setting it on the table beside him, looking up into Harry’s eyes as the man drops to his knees between Louis’s spread pair. “What are you doing?” Louis queries, a raised brow and smirk in place, mischief dancing in his eyes. Harry gulps as he looks down at the bulge in Louis’s grey sweats.

“I need you. Don’t think I can wait 7 _bloody_ hours to get my hands on you.” Harry groans, resting his head on Louis’s thigh, palming himself through his trousers, eyes locked on Louis’s clothed dick. Louis chuckles, combing his fingers through Harry’s hair. “Lou, _please_?” he whimpers, his face inching closer to Louis’s waiting erection.

“Go on then.” Louis answers, playing the movie and pretending he’s unaffected, knowing that it will make Harry work for it that much more. Harry hooks his fingers into the waistband of the sweats that he is thinking should really be illegal because wow, they do nothing in the way of concealing what should be for Harry’s eyes only. Louis lifts his hips, slightly, to allow Harry to pull them down further, watching as some movie that he can’t pay attention to plays, mind focused on the feel of Harry’s hand wrapping around his shaft, tugging in just the way that Harry knows that Louis loves. Louis struggles to keep his composure, even goes so far as to pick up his phone and start to pretend that he’s reading something on his phone, irking Harry while turning him on even more. “What are you waiting for?” Louis quips, raising his eyebrow, gesturing for Harry to get on with the show. Harry sucks, harshly, on the inside of Louis’s thigh, smirking to himself when Louis gasps. _Still not enough_ ; Harry thinks, licking a stripe from the base of Louis’s cock to the tip, swirling his tongue then pressing a kiss to the tip, humming at the bitter taste of Louis’s precome on his tongue. “Stop fucking around and do it.” Louis orders, phone gripped in his hand and by the whiteness of his knuckles, Harry knows that he’s affected. Harry hollows his cheeks and sucks hard on the head of Louis’s dick, humming as he sinks Louis further down his throat, moaning when he hits the back. Louis thrusts up, unintentionally, and bites on his moans that want to leave his mouth. “Better get on with it before a stewardess comes back.” Louis suggests, breathily. Harry takes one of Louis’s hands to place it into his hair. “What do you want?” Louis asks, looking down at Harry, who locks his eyes with Louis’s, his cheekbones popping out, his lips a sinful raspberry and glossy with his own saliva, his eyes are glazed over with lust, his cheeks a luscious rose and Louis swears that he’s going to see God when his orgasm hits him.

“Fuck my mouth.” Harry demands, clasping his hands behind his back and opening his mouth for Louis to glide back into. Louis takes both of his hands and tangles them into the hair at the back of Harry’s head, thrusting deeply into Harry’s throat, groaning as he does, eyes squeezing shut at the delicious tugging between his legs. Harry moans around Louis’s length, stroking himself through his trousers at the picture of sin that is Louis above him, fucking into his mouth as if his life depended on it.

“H- _Har_ -H— _oh_ fuck, _fuck_ —Haz, oh, _shit_ —I-I’m s-so _close_.” Louis whines, fingers tugging so harshly at Harry’s hair that it’s slightly painful, but in such a way that Harry ruins his pretty panties with his come, moaning a muffled and endless stream of Louis’s name and profanities. “Oh god _damn_ , baby! I-I’m—fuck, fuck, _fuck_ — _coming_ , Haz, I—” Louis is blinded; vision blurring before turning into white static, all sounds filtering through his ears as though he’s underwater. He doesn’t even register Harry tucking him back into his briefs and wrapping his arms around him before wrapping them into a blanket.

“Mm, thank you for that, my darling.” Harry hums, resting his head on top of Louis’s, who can’t find his voice and is falling to sleep before Harry can even utter another word.

When Louis wakes, it’s to Harry pressing kisses all over his face, telling him that they’ve made it to LAX. Louis would rather be anywhere but this bustling city, but they didn’t want to be on the plane forever, so they decided to stop in California for a couple of nights, then they would take a flight off to Maui, where they would be spending the next month. Louis is still groggy and isn’t prepared for the sun when it blinds him as soon as he steps off the plane.

“Fucking hell, can’t see where I’m walking.” Louis complains, earning a snickering Harry as he hands Louis a pair of sunglasses. “Thanks, love.” Louis sighs, climbing into the back seat of the Range Rover, resting his head against Harry’s shoulder as they prepare for the hour drive to the vacation home they rented. “I’m so fucking tired. You sucked the life right out of me.” Louis accuses, which makes Harry laugh.

“Didn’t hear you complaining then.” Harry quips, wrapping an arm around Louis’s shoulders.

“Yeah, well—”

“Nothing to say, huh?”

“Piss off and give me my cuddles.” Louis demands, curling further into Harry’s side. “I’ll get you back for it. As soon as I find my energy and stamina, just you wait, Styles.” Louis mumbles, much to Harry’s amusement and excitement.

“I’m holding you to it.” Harry replies. “I’ll cook for you as soon as we get there, while you shower and have a coffee. Sound good?”

“What, trying to get my pants off that quick?” Louis jokes.

“Fuck _yes_ , I am.” Harry answers in a low whisper that sends chills down Louis’s spine. Which he makes clear the moment they set foot inside the lavish beach home. “Go on, have a shower.” Harry orders, pinching and patting on Louis’s backside to hurry him down the hall to the master bedroom. “On second thought—” Harry mutters to himself when he catches sight of Louis stripping as he was placing the suitcases in the bedroom. He tries to control himself, wants to give Louis the time he needs to readjust to the time, knows that Louis can get cranky when he’s sleepy. He, reluctantly, tugs himself away from the thought of shower sex with Louis, forces him to the kitchen so he can prepare coffee and breakfast for Louis, who emerges wearing nothing but a towel around his hips, just begging to be fucked. Harry takes a deep breath, placing the plate of warm food before Louis, planting a kiss to Louis’s cheek as he hands him a cup of coffee before telling him that he’s going to have himself a shower and ordering Louis to relax before heading back into the shower that Louis had just been occupying. Harry doesn’t understand how even after all of these years he still gets drunk on Louis’s scent. It doesn’t help Harry’s hunger for Louis in the slightest, especially when he walks out to find Louis lounging on the mahogany deck, early afternoon sun warming his perfectly golden skin, his eyes closed and his bare chest moving steadily with each breath. Harry walks over to him, leaning over and pressing his lips to Louis’s pair, smirking at the content hum that leaves the smaller man’s lips.

“Hm, hey darling.” Louis hums, stretching, his muscles tightening at the movement and making Harry’s mouth water. “Have a good shower?” Louis queries, yawning.

“Would’ve been better with you. Good nap?”

“Much needed.” Louis replies, scooting up to a seated position.

“So, does that mean—” Harry starts, leaning forward to place his lips against Louis’s bare skin. Louis chuckles, resting one of his hands on the back of Harry’s head while the other rests on the outside of Harry’s hip. “Can I have you, now?” Harry asks, voice husky as he skims his lips all along Louis’s chest.

“You can have me whenever you want, love.” Louis sighs, his body heating up under Harry’s soft touches. Harry kisses down Louis’s torso, kneeling between his legs with his eyes locked onto the sapphire pair that are watching his every move.

“Whenever I want?” Harry questions, kissing the inside of Louis’s thighs as he pulls on the briefs that are hugging Louis’s skin like they’re painted on.

“Whenever you fucking want, baby.” Louis asseverates, biting his bottom lip as he lifts his hips for Harry to peel the briefs down his legs. Harry smirks against Louis’s thighs, eyeing his half-hard member, licking his lips as he looks back up to a rosy cheeked Louis.

“So, if I said I wanted it right here, where anyone could see, I could have it?” Harry’s voice is deep and laced with lust.

“I would give you anything your golden heart desired, baby.” Louis avows, biting on his bottom lip as he stares down at Harry.

“Stay just like this, I’ll be right back.” Harry whispers above Louis’s lips, licking across them before darting into the house to rummage through their luggage for one of the bottles of lube they packed. He groans at the sight before him when he returns; Louis and his flawless golden skin, light sheen of sweat covering his chest and throat from the heat that is already building, one of his hands gripping his furious erection while the other grips the top of the chair, small groans leaving his pretty lips. “ _Fuck_ me, so pretty, Lou.” Harry groans, handing Louis the lube. “Open me up.” He means for it to come out as an order but it sounds more like he’s begging. Louis is quick to comply, sitting up straighter to get closer to Harry, kissing along his chest as he slicks up two of his fingers, reaching around him to tease at his anticipating opening. Louis bites on Harry’s shoulder as he inserts his fingers, smirking at the gasp that leaves Harry’s lips. “Louis, _please_.” Harry whines, pushing down on Louis’s fingers. Louis reaches his other arm around Harry to lube up another finger before inserting that one in beside the other two, sliding his free hand up his spine to press him closer to him, his own erection threatening to burst from the needy sight before him; Harry bouncing on Louis’s fingers, mouth open and soft pants leaving his swollen lips. “ _Now_ , now—Louis, _fuck_ — _please_ get inside me.” Harry begs, gripping Louis’s shoulders.

“Alright, my princess, slow down.” Louis chuckles, breathless as he drips the cold liquid onto his erection, hissing at the temperature. “Kneel up, my lovely.” Louis instructs, looking up at Harry as he directs himself to Harry’s aching entrance. “Take me in, _slowly_ , my princess.” Louis instructs, not wanting to hurt him. Harry slides down Louis’s length, eyes watching the pleasure as it crosses Louis’s face, nails digging into Louis’s shoulders the moment Harry is fully seated on top of him. “Fucking Christ, baby, so good for me.” Louis breathes out, resting his forehead against Harry’s chest. “Doing good, my baby?” Louis asks, looking for any sign of discomfort.

“ _Perfect_ , my Lou.” Harry replies, breathless as he begins rocking. Louis wraps his arms around Harry’s waist, holding him tight to his chest, whimpering against Harry’s already dewy chest. Praises are whispered into Harry’s skin as he rides Louis blind, trying to keep his moans in his throat, but the moment Louis thrusts up and jabs at his prostate, all of the moans that had built up, explode out of him. “Oh my fuck, Louis, _right_ there! Again, again, _please_!” He begs, one hand perched on the back of the lounge chair, gripping it so tight that he’s sure it will snap any second now while his other hand is tangled in Louis’s hair. Louis grips Harry’s hips tightly, thrusting in deep strokes that make Harry’s legs quiver. “L-Lou—oh, _fuck_ —I-I n-nee- _need_ to f-finish. _Fucking_ hell.” Harry begs, rocking his hips down to meet Louis’s thrusts, his body screaming for release.

“Then, come for me, my pretty darling. Do it, let me see you.” Louis begs, his lips parted and his muscles taut with every movement. Harry’s movements become erratic after that, his mind lost to his orgasm as he rides Louis simply to feel the pleasure claw down his spine and squeeze in between his hips. “H-Harry, baby, I need it. Come for me, princess.” Louis whimpers, jaw clenched as he holds off his own orgasm for the sake of watching Harry come undone above him. Moments later, Harry’s body is collapsing above Louis, quivering and clenching around Louis as he releases between their bodies, which sends Louis’s mind straight into the clouds. Harry remains seated on Louis’s lap, breathing heavy into Louis’s throat with small whimpers leaving his lips every so often with the after-shock of his orgasm. “Always so fucking perfect, my baby.” Louis praises, kissing Harry’s temple. “But now I could go for another nap.” Harry chuckles, causing both men to hiss due to Louis’s flaccid dick still being positioned inside Harry. “Up, love. So, we can clean off then sleep.” Louis orders, tapping Harry’s hip. Harry feels boneless, his body is completely useless to him in this moment, which makes Louis chuckle as he shoulders Harry’s weight to help him into the bedroom. “I’ll be right back to clean you off.” Louis informs him, kissing his forehead before stepping into the washroom, cleaning off his chest and groin before returning to his husband with a warm washcloth in his hands to wipe down his chest and groin as well, then finally climbing into bed behind him to spoon him and fall into a deep sleep.

“Harry, my lovely, my darling, my entire heart, it is much too early and I have not had nearly enough caffeine to argue with you on this. We need to get to the airport, so I can have some shitty airplane coffee and a nap. Please, do I need to spank that lovely arse of yours red for you to get in the bleeding car?” Louis’s voice is calm, but he is very near to dragging Harry’s beautiful behind to the car as he watches the man look down at his phone for the nearest restaurant.

“Lou, light of my life, my king, my something pretty, you are entirely insufferable without food in your body and I refuse to endure a 5-hour flight with a grumpy Lou. You need to eat.” Harry retorts, smiling sweetly at Louis, whose patience is waning.

“Harold, my darling husband, my baby, my princess, I will withhold sex if you don’t get in the fucking car. I have it on good authority that there are already paps lining the fucking perimeter of the airport to get a glimpse of us.” Louis has his hands clasped behind his back as he stares down at his husband, who is eyeing him like dessert.

“You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, but I would, my darling.”

“And what authority might this be?” Harry queries, setting his phone in his lap.

“One, our fans and two, Paul.”

“Paul? Higgins?”

“The very same. Now, get your beautiful and delectable peach into the car.” Louis knows he’s won, even as he walks away from Harry, he knows that Harry will follow. He’s sitting in the back of the car, phone in his hand as he checks on what the fans are saying when Harry slides in beside him.

“You’re a twat.” Harry mumbles, much to Louis’s amusement.

“And you’re a wanker; what’s your point?”

“Only for you, my love.” Harry hums, voice sweet and smile even sweeter. “You better eat when we get on the plane.” Harry orders.

“Of course, darling.” Louis replies, sighing deeply as he rests his head against the headrest, closing his eyes as his exhaustion takes hold of him.

The flight goes much as the one to LA went; board games, some light oral pleasure, and a nap. They are awoken by the stewardess when they land in Maui. The air smells like flowers and is moist, like a warm mist. They climb into the air-conditioned vehicle they rented and Louis drives them to their villa. Louis takes a deep breath as he laces his fingers through Harry’s.

“I love you, Hazza.” He hums, eyes darting towards Harry to eye Harry’s profile.

“I love you, too, Lou.” Harry answers, looking over to Louis with a smile on his face. “It’s so beautiful here.” Harry muses, watching as the scenery flies by.

“You’re the most beautiful, though.” Louis coos, pressing a kiss to the spot that Harry’s dimple sits while they sit at a traffic light.

“ _Stop_.” Harry giggles, but he’s pressing his face closer to Louis’s lips. Louis chuckles as he presses more kisses into Harry’s skin, soul glowing each time he hears Harry giggle.

When they get to the villa, they both take deep breaths at the sense of freedom. The villa is very open, views of the sapphire water from every angle; there was a pool and a circular hot tub, both facing the water that just looked magical. They were aware that it was excessive for only the two of them, but they wanted ultimate privacy and this one seemed to be the best option for that. They enter the home, looking at the tall ceilings and empty walls where you could just step right outside into the heat.

“This is so beautiful.” Harry muses, looking around as he carries their bags to one of the rooms. Louis stepped onto the patio, taking in the sight before him as he sits on the edge of the pool to sink his feet into, sighing at the welcomed coolness of the water. “For a month, this is our home.” Harry mutters into Louis’s shoulder as he sits beside him. Louis rests back on his hands, staring out at the endless sea with the mountainous background, feeling at peace.

“I looked in the kitchen, Lou, it’s fucking amazing.” Harry enthuses, an excited smile on his face. “I can’t wait to cook in there.”

“I called ahead when I booked the stay and had the kitchen stocked with groceries, so go for it, baby.” Louis informs him, closing his eyes as he raises his face to the sun.

“Don’t forget to apply sunscreen, Lou.” Harry scolds, leaning over to press a kiss to Louis’s unsuspecting lips. “Come on, up. I’m applying sunscreen into your beautiful skin.” Harry hums, pressing another kiss to Louis’s shoulder. Louis takes Harry’s offered hand and follows him into the house, peeling his shirt over his head and allowing Harry to massage the sticky lotion into his skin. Harry lands a swift slap to Louis’s behind when he’s finished. “Now, you’re ready to lay out in the sun.” Harry chirps, kissing the back of Louis’s neck. “I’m going to make us some lunch.”

“Sounds lovely, my darling.” Louis hums, opening the fridge and pulling out a beer, popping the top off and dropping it into the recycling bin before pressing a kiss to Harry’s lips.

“I’ll be out there soon, doll.” Harry hums, stealing another kiss before Louis saunters back into the Hawaiian sun.

For the remainder of the day, they lounge in the sun with a drink in their hands and talk about everything and nothing at the same time. For dinner, Harry grills steak and vegetables, setting the table outside with glasses of chilled white wine as they enjoy the vibrant sunset.

“God, it’s like a painting.” Harry sighs, looking at the rolling waves change color from a brilliant sapphire into what resembles pastel paints.

“Stunning.” Louis replies, staring at Harry; his cheeks, sun-kissed; lips are a pale pink; hair already becoming lighter in the sun. Harry smirks at Louis when he realizes he wasn’t looking at the landscape. “Dinner was amazing, Haz, as usual.” Louis praises, standing to clear the table.

“Thank you, boo. Want another glass?” Harry gestures to the wine on the table.

“That’d be lovely, doll.” Louis replies, pressing a kiss into Harry’s damp hair. He rinses the dishes off before placing them in the dishwasher, trotting back out to the patio to find Harry sitting in the hot tub, glasses of wine perched on the edge.

“Join me?” He requests, looking over at Louis with a smirk.

“Of course.” Louis replies, stepping to the ledge before Harry shakes his head. “What?” Louis queries.

“Without those.” Harry informs, gesturing to Louis’s black Adidas trunks. Louis returns the smirk as he peels them down his legs, dropping them on to the ledge before sinking into the hot water beside Harry. The moment Louis relaxes into the water, inhaling the sweet Hawaiian air, Harry begins his sensual assault. He begins slow, pressing soft kisses into Louis’s damp skin, starting on his shoulder before nudging Louis’s jaw with his nose, silently asking him to tilt his head. The moment he does, Harry starts sucking into the skin beneath his jaw, right arm draped along the hot-tub’s edge while the other one grips Louis’s thigh. Louis’s breathing has become heavier as he grabs his wine, sipping as Harry continues his assault. He moves on, tangling his fingers into the hair at the nape of Louis’s neck while his other hand inches between Louis’s thighs. “Lou—”

“Someone looking to top, tonight?” Louis asks, breathless. Harry groans, gripping Louis’s inner thigh, tightly in response. “Go crazy, doll. I’m yours.” Louis permits, closing his eyes. “But not in here. Too hot.”

“Come with me, then, pretty love.” Harry whispers, his breath fanning along the marks that he’d made on Louis’s skin. He takes Louis’s hand and eyes Louis cock, standing proudly and eager. “Fuck, that never gets old.” Harry groans, palming his own as he leads Louis back into the room. He lays Louis down, retrieving the lube before lying between Louis’s legs. “Rest those perfect legs on my shoulders, darling.” Harry demands, tapping Louis’s thighs.

“For?” Louis asks, breathless.

“I want to taste you.” Harry answers, already kissing the bottom of Louis’s thighs. Louis complies, resting his thighs on Harry’s shoulders, feet relaxed against Harry’s sides while Harry spreads him, looking up at him as he dips his tongue in, moaning at the sound that left Louis’s lips. He smells and tastes heavily of chlorine, which Harry finds deeply intoxicating as he presses his thumb inside him to lick further inside, eyes rolling shut at the groan that falls from Louis’s lips. “You taste like summertime.” Harry comments when he pulls away, reaching for the lube and dripping some onto his index finger, watching as the arousal does the waltz in Louis’s eyes. Harry presses the pad of his finger to Louis, biting on his plush inner thigh as he pushes his finger inside, the arousal making all colors soften but his dick hardens further. Each time he tops Louis, it feels like a magical experience; having this usually sassy and outspoken man a pliant mess beneath—or on top—of him gives Harry a high that no drug could ever produce. “Ready for a second?” He queries, voice dripping sex.

“ _Please_.” Louis whines. Harry dips his tongue in beside his fingers, tasting the strawberry flavored lube and Louis.

“Is that good, my darling?” Harry asks, his breath fanning across Louis’s heated skin.

“Yes, yes, yes, H—baby, _so_ fucking good.” He groans when Harry finds that soft bundle of nerves inside Louis, pressing lightly and igniting a fire in the pit of Louis’s belly. “H-Haz-Har- _Harry_ , f-fuck me, _please_.” He pleads, pressing his hips down on Harry’s fingers, his body trying to find that spot again.

“Your wish is my command, my darling.” Harry hums, pulling his fingers out to drip the lube onto his aching erection, licking his lips at the sight of Louis’s waiting entrance, fluttering around nothing as Harry presses his tip to the rim. “You ready?” He asks, only teasingly.

“Harry, for the love of—just get in me.” Louis demands, rolling his eyes. Harry chuckles as rests one of Louis’s legs in the crook of his elbow, the other hand gripping his erection to guide it inside his impatient husband, who releases a sinful moan with the slow glide of Harry entering him. Once Harry is fully sheathed, he rests his free hand on the outside of Louis’s hip, squeezing as he waits for Louis’s instruction. “O-okay, move, move. Harry, fuck me.” Louis moans, grasping onto Harry’s biceps. Harry’s first thrust is experimental; long, slow and deep, testing the waters and making sure that Louis’s body was ready. The loud, breathy moan that leaves Louis’s lips tells him that his body is craving more, so he pulls out, slowly, again before slamming his hips forward, hitting his prostate dead-on. “Oh, fucking _hell_.” Louis groans, body already shaking. “Again.” He breathily demands.

“With pleasure, my darling.” Harry groans, repeating the same action, repeatedly until Louis is clawing into his arms, begging Harry to let him ride him. “Yeah, okay.” Harry answers, breathless, as he repositions himself so his back is resting against the headboard, watching Louis climb onto his lap. “Fuck, you’re so fucking perfect.” He groans, watching Louis guide him back inside, his mind faltering at the sight of Louis seated on him. Louis grips Harry’s shoulders, using him for leverage to rise up and slam back down. “Fuck’s sake!” Harry groans, hands gripping the tops of Louis’s thighs as he watches Louis fuck himself into oblivion, until his legs are burning and he’s begging for Harry to help him.

“Harry, please, please, _touch_ me.” Louis whines, resting his hands behind him on Harry’s bent knees, rolling his hips with his head thrown back. Harry’s eyes follow a drop of sweat that drips down Louis’s throat, leaning forward to lick it and moaning at the saltiness. He wraps his hand around Louis’s furiously leaking cock, stroking him in time with each roll of Louis’s hips. “ _Yes_ , fuck yes.” Louis breathes, rolling his hips faster.

“ _Oh_ fuck, Louis, baby I _need_ you to come for me. Come, baby. I need it.” Harry whines, a tugging building between his legs, making his legs shake. “Lou—Louis, oh _god_ , baby—fuck, fuck, _fuck_ —I’m _so_ fucking close, darling.” Harry whimpers, thrusting to meet Louis’s rolling hips, hitting his prostate each time.

“Harry, _that’s_ it, baby! _Right_ fucking there! _Don’t_ stop, baby! I’m _right_ there, _so_ fucking close.” Louis whimpers, bouncing faster as he chases his orgasm, inching Harry closer to the edge. The moment Louis reaches his orgasm, Harry is tumbling head first down the edge. Louis’s body spasming and clenching around Harry so tightly that it was almost painful— _almost_. Harry holds Louis to him, breathing in his scent—cedarwood body wash, sunscreen, chlorine, sex and _Louis_. “Fucking hell. Remind me why we don’t do that more?” Louis huffs, pressing soft kisses to Harry’s sweaty throat. Harry chuckles, throwing his legs over the edge of the bed, gripping onto Louis’s waist to prevent him from falling.

“I don’t know, but I would love to do more of that.” Harry chuckles, standing on weak legs to walk them to the massive en suite, sitting Louis on the counter to start up the shower.

“I don’t think I can shower, Haz. I can’t feel my legs.”

“Just to wash the sweat and come off, then we’ll climb into the bath; sound good?” Harry suggests, stepping between Louis’s legs and resting his hands on the counter on either side of his hips.

“Okay. Then, sleep?” Louis says in a quiet voice.

“Then, sleep, my darling.” Harry replies, kissing the tip of Louis’s nose, helping him off the counter, pressing his lips together to keep the smirk off his face when Louis winces. “Now, I remember why you don’t like bottoming.”

“Yeah, me too.” Louis grumbles, stumbling into the spray of the shower. “Take care of me, you twat.” Louis groans, leaning against the wall. Harry chuckles, stepping in and beginning cleaning Louis’s body off first, then cleaning his own. “I don’t want a bath anymore. Sleep.” Louis grumbles, making grabby hands at Harry.

“Alright, my love.” Harry agrees, brushing his messy fringe out of his eyes, placing a soft kiss to his lips. Harry turns the light off before climbing into the bed beside Louis, opening his arms for him to rest his head on Harry’s chest. “I love you so much, Lou.” Harry whispers, looking out of their window to the moon glistening on the Hawaiian waters.

“I love you, too, Hazza.” Louis mumbles, sleepily.

“Lou?”

“Hm?”

“You know that I’ll never hurt you again, right?”

“I don’t know that for sure, H, but I do _hope_. And I trust you, just don’t give me a reason to leave, Haz. I want you forever and I would hate to have to live without you.” Louis mumbles, tightening his hold on Harry.

“I don’t want to lose you, Lou. I promise I won’t give you a reason to leave, baby.” Harry whispers, promising the moon and the vast ocean whose color reminds him of his favorite set of eyes.

“You’re my infinity, Haz.” Louis whispers, the sound of his voice tells Harry that he’s about to fall asleep.

“You’re my everything; my sun, my moon, my universe, darling.” Harry says although he knows that Louis is sleeping now. “You are forever my only, baby.” Harry promises before falling asleep in the arms of his something pretty.


End file.
